The Aftermath of Losing Everything

​Well as I write this it’s been a little over a week since I found out that my computer erased my business folder on my computer.  Meaning the entirety of the course that I’ve spent 6 months, actually probably closer to 8 months now, working on.  There’s nothing left of it.  And while I want to bemoan all of those hours as wasted, I know deep down that they aren’t truly wasted.  But I’ll be honest, I spent the first few days after I found out in a weird place.  I grieved…and anybody who tells you that you only experience grief after the loss of a person, and a close one at that, is a liar.  A loss is a loss, and that was most definitely a loss for me.  The first hour I ugly cried.  Then it was tears in fits and starts.  That was followed by a mix of despair and imposter syndrome and my ego saying the most untrue, unkind things.  Needless to say, it’s been a rough week.  But, I’ve learned a few things and I feel like now and here is the perfect time and place to share them.
 
Number one thing I’ve learned…  Backup your backups and in numerous places.  My God have we become dependent on technology!!  Dangerously so.  So maybe that’s one of the things that I learned…technology can be a friend but let’s not depend on it.  And make sure to use it smartly.  Lord knows I will never leave anything without a backup again.  Somebody on TikTok said she was told if it doesn’t exist in 3 places, it doesn’t exist.  I will live by that.  I will also get back into writing with old fashioned pencil and paper.  They never let you down.  I can start there then play around with it online.  And yes, I know that one was obvious but it’s still a lesson learned.
 
Next thing, I am capable of handling upsetting surprises in life with strength and grace.  Seriously, I’m proud of the way I handled that.  Don’t get me twisted…I ugly cried hard.  I’d have moments where I got upset all over again.  I had doubts and questions and felt defeated.  I had the urge to run into the comforting arms of alcohol or cigarettes or ice cream or a steak or self-pity.  But I never once turned to any of those.  Now part of that was because I was on a 7-day cleanse to reset my hormones, but I could have started that over again.  I saw those escape mechanisms, and my desire to turn to them for comfort, as pointless and empty as they are.  I have spent the past few years cultivating an internal source of happiness and comfort, so I knew that those things weren’t what was going to make me feel better.  I also knew that escape wasn’t what I needed but that sitting with the pain was the key to moving past it. 
 
And speaking of cultivating my inner source of happiness…I learned through this crisis just what an amazing job I’ve done at that.  I listened to my heart instead of ego’s whispers…and ego was whispering really loud and ugly things.  I loved on myself and gave myself permission to follow my joy and table the heavy stuff until it felt good to sit with it and work through it.  I prioritized self-care and nourishing myself mind, body, and soul.  I made my health, both mental and physical, a priority.  I made sure to get super observant so I could recognize the negative self-talk and doubts for what they were.  I looked for the beauty in the world and my life because it’s always there and a much better comfort than anything I’d turn to in the past.  And yes, I had my low moments because I’m human, but my joy never left me.  I’m so proud of that.
 
One of the most important things I learned is that I believe in what I created, I think it’s so important to share with the world because people need that knowledge and that perspective and that hope.  I had moments where I wondered if I could or should try again.  If this was the universe telling me to give up but I don’t believe that at all.  Quite the opposite.  I believe more firmly in what I have to share with the world and maybe that’s why this all happened.  I can’t replicate what I did before but I sure as hell can offer something up that might be even better.  People deserve to love their lives, even if they aren’t where they want to be, think they should be, thought they would be.  They deserve to have joy be a part of their lives each and every day.  And if I can help them find that, to find their ability to give themselves that, by sharing what I’ve learned along the way during my journey then I am going to do just that.  I’ve seen my experiences and my perspectives help people already and I’m ready to do that on a bigger scale.  So yes, I will make a version 2, and I believe with all my heart and soul that it needs to be out there.
 
The universe will give you what you need and while this was a very upsetting way to give me what I need I don’t doubt that I needed it.  I think having to create this course all over again will get me to a place where I’m incredibly familiar and comfortable with what I’m sharing.  It will cement that knowledge in me so that I can share it more effectively.  And that to me seems like a pretty good antidote to imposter syndrome, and I was flirting with it, so …maybe that’s one of the why’s for me.  I also know that there is a reason this happened, and I may not know what it is, but I know that this happened for a reason.  I truly hope I get to that moment where I get to say oh shit!  This is why that happened!  I’m not there yet, but I do know that this serves me in ways I just can’t see right now.
 
The last big thing I learned from this is that I need to let go of the self-imposed deadlines and timing parameters that I felt needed to happen.  Divine timing is the right timing, my idea of timing is complete and utter bullshit.  It’ll happen when it’s right, not when I want it to.  And I think I finally get that.  I’m finally ready to accept that.  And while I see this as a delay, what if this is actually speeding something way more important up?  I’m going to start letting everything unfold in the timing it’s supposed to.  And that means creating version 2 as well!  If it doesn’t feel right to work on it, I won’t.  I will 100% check in with myself and make sure I’m not avoiding, but I won’t put any pressure on myself to get things done in a certain time frame.  The universe knows when it all should be happening, so I’ll trust it to keep me on schedule.
 
So yeah. I learned that I’m a badass chick.  I have friends, family, and a killer coach (BIG shoutout to Jenesis) who love and support me.  It put other things in perspective too, I know what I want to give fucks about and what I don’t.  I know what my priorities are.  But I also know how strong I am, how much I’ve grown, how capable and adaptable I am.  I can find positive in the seemingly negative.  And, again thank you Jenesis, I’m allowed to grieve AND know in my heart that all is well.  Who knows, maybe I needed to take myself back to the beginning so I could do it all right and in a way that feels truly organic to me.  Even just typing that feels good so I’m going to have to guess that that is definitely a fact.  So, let’s see what happens, I think this could actually be really fun.