I think that one of the most under communicated thing about taking a journey of transformation and empowerment is how it’s not a straightforward path from here to there.  There are twists, there area turns, there are bumps.  Some parts of it are exhilarating and some parts are rough.  There will be tears, there will be laughter, there will be joy, and there will be fear.  It’s not a beautifully paved path of non-stop transcendental bliss.  There will be aha! moments that exhilarate you and then a little further down the road you’ll have another aha! moment that supplants the first one.  You’ll realize you weren’t wrong before, but you just see it more clearly now.  There will be moments where you feel so full of love for yourself that you’re crying and you realize that under all that is tremendous healing.  You’ll have moments where you think, I finally get it, only to realize later on that no, you actually didn’t get it you’re still learning.  But it’s worth every second of that because at no point do you ever feel like that was a waste of time and energy, because you realize that each one of those moments were necessary to get you to where you are now and where you are now is so much better than where you were.

In my own journey I had so many moments of clarity that made me come alive.  Truths that I recognized and lived by.  Until I found my next truth and lived by it.  Until I found my next truth and lived by it.  And on and on.  For somebody who is desperate to uncover who they are and live a truly meaningful life those moments can be scary!  The first few truths might all mesh well together so you’re living by this handful of beliefs, but then you get one that doesn’t necessarily mesh so well, and you think to yourself…wait, I’m I doing this right?  Did I just undo all the good I did before? Will this ever end? The answer to those are yes, no, and no.  This isn’t a journey with an end point, but that’s a beautiful thing.  If it wasn’t it would be like planting corn and seeing the stalk and thinking, well it’s a grown plant now I’ve done it!  Well, no because then you don’t get the magic of the ears of corn it produces.  And, if we roll with that metaphor, if you then you allow the corn to appear and say well then surely this must be it. No, because then you miss the magic of tasting the corn, turning it into popcorn, or cornbread, or taking those and planting them so then you get a whole field of corn with all of its infinite possibilities.  The journey doesn’t end, nor should you want it to.

Think of a time in your life when you thought if I could only get “this” then I would be happy.  When you got that thing, were you happy?  Or did you then think, well now that I’ve got this if I could only get that, then I’d be happy?  And then you got that thing.  The cycle goes on and on and on, but there’s always something else you strive for.  That “thing” could be material, emotional, physical, spiritual, etc.  It doesn’t matter what the thing is, there’s always a drive to continue on once you have it.  Why should a journey of transformation and empowerment be any different.  The truly beautiful part is that every milestone that you hit has changed you fundamentally both physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  You are no longer the same person you once were, there is no going back.  To me that’s a huge comfort because as Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita, “On this path effort never goes to waste; and there is no failure.  Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear”.

When you can accept the beauty of this never-ending path you realize you wouldn’t want it to be any other way.  Because suddenly you have all these tools that allow you to live your life in a better way.  It’s more meaningful, more pleasing, and you feel more alive and in control than you ever did.  Transformation is empowerment.  Owning your joy, taking the power of that back for yourself, is one of the most important things we can do in life.  And it might be tempting to ask well if it never ends what is the point?  The point is to enjoy life, to live it with purpose even if that purpose is only to enjoy life.  When do you feel most alive?  For me, it’s when I’m loving and laughing, having moments of clarity and connection to source.  That’s the point of it all.  Now, don’t get me twisted, there will always be moments of conflict, or contrast, that spark a desire for something different, a yearning for more.  And suddenly you’re off on the next leg of your journey.  Because at the end of the day the point of the journey isn’t the destination, it’s the journey itself.  Uncovering parts of yourself you didn’t know existed, unearthing passions you didn’t know you had, finding bliss in the ordinary, and the possible in the impossible.

Every time I have another aha! moment I’m thrilled because I’ve reached a milestone I didn’t even know existed.  I feel like I’ve achieved something beautiful and my soul feels a bit fuller than it did the moment before. I never feel like what came before was wasted, in fact I’m usually in awe of what I’ve accomplished.  My days are easier, my thoughts are kinder, and the ripple effect I have on others grows wider.  I listen to myself and trust in my intuition in a way I never could have done when I was at the depths of my anxiety and depression.  And I feel such relief in knowing I can never go back to that place because of how far I’ve come.  Sometimes I wonder if I was an artist what kind of art I’d be creating, or a musician what kind of songs I’d put out into the world, or a poet what kind of poems, or a chef what kind of food, or a researcher what I’d be unearthing, or a parent what kind of child would I be raising with each and every level up I accomplish. 
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Nope, the journey of transformation isn’t a straightforward path.  But would it be as rewarding as it is if it were?  Would you celebrate each monumental moment, and even the little ones, as deeply.  Would you be as proud?  I can honestly say that for me, the answer to each one of those questions is no.  And I won’t lie, when you hit one of those bumps and stumble there can, and probably will be, moments of worry and doubt.  But you can always remind yourself that the stumble is just illuminating a clearer part of your path, and is an opportunity to keep growing and changing.  When I hit one, I catch myself and think ok, what is this teaching me?  How can I find the upside to this moment?   What am I learning and how can I grow and change?  And when all else fails, if I really can’t find a positive, I simply remind myself I can never go back to the person I was before and that alone is a reason to be joyful.

​When Life Seems Pointless it’s Actually Giving You a Message
To understand why I started this quest for joyful living and abundance, you’ll need to hear who I was. To get a feel for where my mind was at. You may even recognize yourself in this part of my story. Maybe only in one or two places, maybe in most of it, perhaps even in none of it. And yet…I bet we still have at least one thing in common… Hitting a wall and realizing that there are only two options left, change or give up completely.

What we don’t realize, is that when life seems pointless it’s actually giving you a message. It’s tempting isn’t it, at every bump in the proverbial road to bemoan your trials and tribulations? To wail at the universe for being so unfair. To rage at life for hating you. But I finally figured it out, in the depths of your despair a message is waiting to be heard. So bear with me, this back story might be a little long. But please stick around as I catch you up to the point where I realized my message from the universe was waiting. 

The Backstory – My 20 Year Roller Coaster
When I finally hit my final wall, I was at the lowest of my lows. I spent the last 20 of my 40 years battling anxiety and depression. You’ll rarely find the two not hand in hand. The effects of those two disorders went so deep that I identified myself by them. They ruled my life choices, decided my worthiness or lack thereof, kept my dreams tiny and yet still unreachable. And I’m a May baby, a Gemini (we’re not two faced btw!). Our default setting is definitely not being unhappy, so I was constantly on a roller coaster.

One day happy and confident, rocking my boss bitch gumption with pride. The next, curled into a ball after a failed attempt to drive to the market half a block away. Crying about how this was no way to live life. My highs were high, my lows the very lowest of low. From time to time I’d turn to alcohol to numb myself. Maybe a book to escape into a world where anxiety and depression didn’t exist. I mastered only making plans I felt I could handle without being triggered. Excelled at pasting a bright and happy smile on my face, being a supportive and loyal friend/sister/girlfriend. Yet on the flip side, I also was adept at telling myself I was a burden to those I loved! I wouldn’t be happy unless I could beat the anxiety. I didn’t deserve a happy relationship, fulfilling job, etc ad nauseum. Self-loathing and despair would win on most days. They were just tempered by a week or two of fierce determination and mental cheerleading.

The years from 20 until 40 were a vicious circle, an unending cycle, an exhausting nightmare. I tried everything to heal myself, to fix myself, to make myself worthy of the life I dreamed of living. My wisdom teeth were pulled because I heard they are on the heart meridian and it’s linked to anxiety. I did extensive work with a Shaman (amazing experience by the way, 10 out of 10 recommend). I went to numerous therapists to try and heal the wounds of a rough childhood. I got my hormones tested (estrogen dominant if you’re curious). Experimented with altering my diet and exercise habits. I read all the authors and tried all the things. You name it, I tried it! And some of them had positive effects, but none lasted. So 20 years of that, throw in an isolating pandemic, and we land at the moment I hit my wall.

Hitting My Wall
By this time the depression had gotten frightening. I had reached the point where I just no longer saw the point of being alive. All I knew was that I was starting to get numb. I couldn’t feel, I had run out of fucks to give, my give a damn had given up the ghost. Sure my family, friends, boyfriend would be sad if I was gone. But it would be a temporary thing and they’d go on. Probably better off than they had been with me around. I had even started to casually ponder how I’d do it. Days upon days were spent just lying in bed. I only ever got up to shower if I knew I’d get to see my boyfriend.

It was at the very lowest of my lows, in September of 2021, when I decided to sit down and have some drinks in the backyard with my close friend. He knew what I was going through because he was going through it himself. We realized that most people with anxiety or depression issues have coping mechanisms, especially us. They drink, read, play video games, or do drugs to try and escape life, to escape the pain. It was at exactly this moment I realized that this feeling like I wanted to end it all… bemoaning the pointlessness of a life lived this way… This was the universe knocking as loudly as it could on my door screaming, “I have a message for you if you’d just open the door and listen to me!!!”. And this, ladies and gents, is where we have my pivotal aha! moment.

How Announcing My Intentions Began My Journey
So there I was having this discussion about coping mechanisms, sipping on my preferred coping mechanism mind you, when all of a sudden with complete clarity I knew… I wasn’t going to do this anymore and I sure as hell wasn’t giving up either. My story was far from over. So I looked at my friend and said, “How about we make a pact? How about we start to live lives we don’t want to escape anymore?”. He immediately agreed, perhaps the universe was knocking extra loud and he heard it too, or maybe my enthusiasm was just contagious. Either way, it was on and plans were made.

So in that moment I looked up to the sky and said to the universe, loudly and with complete and utter conviction, “I am ready to live a life that sparks joy! I will no longer live a life I want to escape!”, and it was in that moment that my life started changing. It was that simple. The journey to joyful living and abundance was underway.

Have you hit that lowest point, or worried you’re going to? Are you ready to answer the universe’s knock, to receive the message? I may not have all the answers but I can promise you, the message is there and ready to be delivered! All you have to do is decide to receive it. I did, and life as I know it is changing daily.

You see what I’ve come to understand is that the universe isn’t actually conspiring against you, life isn’t out to get you. Life loves you, the universe wants to give you what you desire. The trick is recognizing what you’re telling the universe you desire.
I kept saying “I’ll never get better, I am my anxiety and depression, this awful life is consuming me”. I kept unconsciously telling the universe I was all about the negative and the universe said, “ok cool…more of that coming right up”. Even during my highs, when I was on the top, I would succumb to fear. I would look at my future through the lens of anxiety, limitations, and unworthiness. It was always “once I get to point A I’ll have X” or “once I get to point B I’ll finally have Y”. I was telling the universe I couldn’t have what I desired until I reached certain requisites or criteria. And so the universe didn’t give it to me because I hadn’t reached that point yet.
But then I stood and announced my intentions, loudly and with a conviction I felt to the very center of my being. To which the universe said “Oh girl, about time! I’ve got you, get ready it’s all going to come into your life now! Joyful living and abundance coming right up!”.

Ready to Join Me in my Journey and Start Your Transformation?
So there you have it, mostly caught up. The scene it set and the journey has begun. And I’m excited to tell you about the synchronicity I’ve experienced since that fateful evening! I’m stoked to share this journey with you. And I truly hope it will inspire you, or at the very least entertain you. Yes I want abundance, yes I want to experience joyful living…but I want to share that with everybody I can! I want you to experience joyful living and abundance too! I want to give you the tools that I’m discovering! I’m putting in the work and the research and the trials, I want you to reap the rewards!! I’m using exclamation points with reckless abandon so clearly I must mean it. And even if it’s just a small spark of joy, even if it’s just finding a bit of entertainment in my story, I’ll take it.

This isn’t a secret to be hoarded, it’s a gift to be shared. Everybody deserves to have a life that sparks joy. So come with me! I’ll try to keep the posts short, sweet, to the point and fun. But I will always be honest, you’ll also see the bad, the ugly, the mistakes… because that’s life, that’s human nature. And tell me what you want more of, tell me if you have questions, tell me if you want to take this journey with me. It is always easier with help, with somebody by your side to cheer you on. And for a journey like this, where you get to be surrounded by love and joy… Oh yes…I’ll be your huckleberry.