Gratitude as an Antidote

See What Happened  Was
An interesting thing happened to me today.  I received a text from a friend and my gut instinct was some annoyance mixed with a tiny bit of "can you believe this shit" outrage.  Hindsight showed me just what an ego-based victim reaction that was, but in the moment I didn't see it.  But, I had started my day with a gratitude meditation with davidji and 200 some odd fellow meditators. I recognized that this wasn't in line with how I was feeling or wanted to feel.  So, mid rant to another friend I stopped myself and said “but I want to let this go and I don't want to give it energy”. Then I asked myself how I could make a gratitude statement out of it.  And that's when my eyes opened up and I was able to see a bit more clearly.
 
The statement I came up with was Thank you, I'm so grateful you brought about a situation where I could catch myself being defensive and shine a light on an area that could use more work.  I'm so grateful the universe showed me that I am taking this, and the previous situations that led up to this, personally.  And the crazy thing was, I meant it!!!  I then remembered that everyone is doing their best, my friend was seeing the situation through their lenses, and I was seeing it through mine.  And that that is totally ok.  I don't need to see it through those lenses and vice versa. What they think is none of my business and as long as I feel like I did my best to be a good person I can let it go.  So I did, and I carried on with my day and was crazy productive and happy.  And I kind of want to celebrate my growth because I have never before let go of righteous indignation so quickly.  
 
But That's Not The Interesting Part!
I kinda wanted to make the title to this paragraph “but wait there's more” but refrained.  So, here's the interesting part.  I sat down to journal this afternoon, to let go of the day and embrace the evening, and as I did I noticed I felt odd, but not in a bad way.  In a I feel like I should still be smoldering over the situation but I'm not kinda way.  I had to remind myself that not only is it OK to not carry around upset, anger, resentment, annoyance, and negativity in general but that it's a good thing!  What was off, was that nothing was off.
 
I didn't fall into my habitual reaction, but I still noticed the habitual energy like a phantom limb hanging around ready to pop up.  It made me chuckle because I had to scan myself and say ok what's off, what do I need to deal with?  Only to realize nothing was wrong, I actually was winning at life.  How funny that being happy and carefree post-situation felt wrong, that I'm so conditioned to my old bitchy ego driven way of reacting that not doing that and releasing it in a healthy way seemed noticeably discordant.  I honestly am struggling to put the feeling into adequate words because how do you describe the feeling that releasing your toxic traits seems wrong?  
 
Isn't Ego Sneaky?
This is probably one of the most apt and poignant examples of how hard, or non-linear, and ongoing changing your life can be.  It beautifully illustrates how conditioned we are to letting ego lead, to letting negativity overrule positive coping skills, and just how addicted to drama we can be.  It shows that we unconsciously seek the comfort of the known even when it doesn’t serve us.  If I had a client come to me and tell me that story I would make them celebrate such powerful growth!  If ever there was a look how awesome you are moment that was it.  But ego hates being in the backseat and that siren song of our habitual behavior can be so alluring. So much so that you can feel like choosing the right path was a mistake.
 
And I have to be honest, I wonder how many times I've given into it instead of being deliberate about not doing so like I was today.  How long would I have let that feeling of wrongness gain momentum?  How would it have snowballed? I'm incredibly grateful I allowed myself to be open to divine wisdom and guidance though.  I did recognize it, I stopped it before it could take over.  And again with honesty, it's almost as thrilling and empowering as stopping the negative reaction earlier in the day!  There's a bit of a huh...would you look at that feel to it.  Surreal, proud, grateful, pleased and also a small bit flabbergasted. 
 
But I digress
So yeah, growth and healing and transformation isn't linear.  And you can know what you “should” be or want to be doing/behaving/responding to the upsets in life for quite some time before they stick and the knowledge gets to be effortlessly applied.  For this (and every) pretty epic win, I've also had plenty of burn the village down moments.  Cuz duh, I'm human and it happens.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that it'll be happening less and less.  And it all came about because I introduced a pattern interrupt and asked, “how can this be a gratitude statement?”.  Then I went into observer mode and I started looking at it positively.  Once I went into that perspective it just wasn't possible for me to view it any other way.  So maybe this is your sign to find your observer mode, to figure out your witness trigger, to ask more often, how your bad moment can turn into a gratitude statement. And once you do, let me know how it goes for you and if it feels as weird to you to choose joy for yourself over letting your ego feel validated.  And then when you recognize it let me know if you get excited by your progress too.

PS: Don’t forget to follow me on TT and IG for more motivation and inspiration!  And as always, if you’re ready to begin transforming your life into one you love and experience joy everyday (and want help doing it) hit your girl up cuz I got you!