​Getting Honest About Anxiety

Ignoring the Elephant in the Room
Ever since I decided to change my life and begin my own business, I made the conscious decision to not focus on the anxiety symptoms I experience.  I knew that everything that I had learned, compiled, and decided to put all in one place could serve anybody who felt like they were ready to start loving their life instead of surviving it.  I’ve never shied away from talking about the fact that I lived with (suffered from? survived? experienced? insert your preferred phrase here) anxiety.  But I refused to make it the star of the show because I refused to let it define me.  I refused to let it keep me from living a complete and fulfilling life.  Refused to let it keep me from loving my life.  And I stand by that decision, it’s served me well.

However, I’ve been thinking it might be time to change that.  I think it’s time to start talking about what it’s like to not only live with it, but to have completely changed my life while living with it. Getting to where I’ve gotten is something to celebrate.  But doing that while anxiety has still been a part of my daily life… now that’s something to be really proud of.  And I think it’s time that everybody else who lives their life with anxiety learns that they too can love their life.  They too can have a life that brings them joy.  They too can refuse to be defined by anxiety.  I am here for everybody who is sick of surviving life and is ready to love it.  But I am especially determined that all my fellow anxiety sufferers out there learn that a joyful life is a possibility for them too. 
 
Anxiety Exists On A Spectrum
So, let’s be honest, anxiety is a pretty broad term that’s used in an all-encompassing kind of way. When in actuality, there’s a pretty damn diverse spectrum of what anxiety actually looks like.  For those who are debilitated by it, hearing somebody who’s actually just stressed about one thing in particular call what they’re experiencing anxiety…well it can be really frustrating.  And for those who only experience anxiety in one facet of their life, being told it’s not anxiety is diminishing.  For some of us it means we can’t drive, we can’t go grocery shopping, we can’t travel, and leaving the house can feel like a herculean task.  Some people can’t leave the house at all.  Other’s (and man do I have my moments of envy) are so determined, that they’re higher functioning and they don’t let it stop them from getting out there and living life.  Do they suffer milder symptoms than those who can’t do that?  I don’t know.  But I’ve heard plenty of people in that camp say they hate doing stuff like that, but their brain wins over their body.  If anxiety is just a fucked-up flight or fight response, does that mean their fight response is stronger than those of us who can’t bring ourselves to do something? 

I’m honestly not sure, nor do I think it really matters to me right now.  Because for anybody who has experienced anxiety symptoms for an extended amount of time, beating ourselves up for the symptoms we experience, and for not “doing better”, does not serve us.  In fact, that kind of thinking is what led me to become so depressed I was ready to take my own life.  It started with thoughts like, “what is wrong with me?  I know I’m ok but my body never seems to get the message”.  Those thoughts lead to the “I’m a burden to my friends and family” thoughts, and the “if I didn’t have anxiety then I could be happy/get my dream job/travel/find my person” thoughts, and eventually the “what’s the point of being alive if I can’t even really live my life” thoughts.  I’m pretty sure there’s nobody quite as cruel to themselves as those who suffer from anxiety.  (Because at that stage… yeah it’s not “living with”, it’s “suffering from”.)  We stop ourselves from living our lives while we suffer.  And a few years ago, that’s exactly where I was at.  I defined myself, and my future, by anxiety…and I was miserable.
 
There IS More to Life
If you live, or have ever lived, life with anxiety you have ultimately said to yourself “there’s gotta be more to life than this”.  Some people know there is and fight the fear (but can’t quite surpass it completely), some people give up trying to find the answer and succumb to it, and others try to escape it.  (And as one of those who has tried in the past to escape it, let me tell you that it’s impossible.  Sex, drugs, alcohol, social media, shopping, insert vice/escape mechanism here…they don’t work.)  Because eventually, in all those scenarios, you’re faced with the reality that it’s still there.  And you’re stuck wondering if there is more to life than anxiety?  And if so, how are you supposed to go about finding it?  How are you supposed to live a life that brings you joy?  Is it even possible?

Now, I once had a therapist once who told me I’d never be rid of it.  But I didn’t then, and still don’t now, believe her.  Because I lived life without anxiety for a long time, so I know it’s possible.  And deep inside I absolutely think I will get there again one day.  But right now, well right now it’s still a part of my life, as it is for so many people.  I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist and that it doesn’t have an impact on my life.  And yet, I live a life that feels full, brings me joy, and is a life I love living.  I don’t allow anxiety to rule me, to be my focus, or to have an impact on the decisions I make regarding my dreams and visions for the future.  So yes, there is more to life than anxiety.  You can live a joyful life while still experiencing anxiety symptoms.  I’m proof that it’s possible. 
 
It Is Time
So perhaps this is why I lost all those business files this year.  Because I was hiding away a part of me that is very much a part of me for the moment.  And how dare I do that?  Because there are people out there who need to know that it is possible to love your life even if anxiety is riding shotgun.  Who am I to gatekeep?  I mean, yeah, I didn’t mean to…but still.  What if there’s somebody out there suffering from anxiety that saw my course and thought, “Oh…that’s not for me.  I can’t do that right now, maybe once I figure out how to get rid of anxiety”.  And they missed a golden opportunity to start loving their life instead of surviving it!  Now I think it’s time to get loud.  There are so many of us out there and we deserve to know that living a life we love is possible, right now, even if we’re not where we wished we would be by now.

I, for one, refuse to get to the end of my life and think, “oh wow…I could have done so much more if I hadn’t been stuck waiting for anxiety to disappear”.  Sure, my course will be so helpful for anybody wanting to stop surviving and start thriving, but it will be monumentally helpful for everybody who thinks that anxiety is keeping them from even having a hope of doing so.  So, I’m going to start talking about it.  I’m going to start sharing what helps and what doesn’t.  I’m going to start sharing what I’ve seen work.  Because it’s about time that I embrace ALL the parts of me, even anxiety.