How My Journey to Joyful Began

​When Life Seems Pointless it’s Actually Giving You a Message
To understand why I started this quest for joyful living and abundance, you’ll need to hear who I was. To get a feel for where my mind was at. You may even recognize yourself in this part of my story. Maybe only in one or two places, maybe in most of it, perhaps even in none of it. And yet…I bet we still have at least one thing in common… Hitting a wall and realizing that there are only two options left, change or give up completely.

What we don’t realize, is that when life seems pointless it’s actually giving you a message. It’s tempting isn’t it, at every bump in the proverbial road to bemoan your trials and tribulations? To wail at the universe for being so unfair. To rage at life for hating you. But I finally figured it out, in the depths of your despair a message is waiting to be heard. So bear with me, this back story might be a little long. But please stick around as I catch you up to the point where I realized my message from the universe was waiting. 

The Backstory – My 20 Year Roller Coaster
When I finally hit my final wall, I was at the lowest of my lows. I spent the last 20 of my 40 years battling anxiety and depression. You’ll rarely find the two not hand in hand. The effects of those two disorders went so deep that I identified myself by them. They ruled my life choices, decided my worthiness or lack thereof, kept my dreams tiny and yet still unreachable. And I’m a May baby, a Gemini (we’re not two faced btw!). Our default setting is definitely not being unhappy, so I was constantly on a roller coaster.

One day happy and confident, rocking my boss bitch gumption with pride. The next, curled into a ball after a failed attempt to drive to the market half a block away. Crying about how this was no way to live life. My highs were high, my lows the very lowest of low. From time to time I’d turn to alcohol to numb myself. Maybe a book to escape into a world where anxiety and depression didn’t exist. I mastered only making plans I felt I could handle without being triggered. Excelled at pasting a bright and happy smile on my face, being a supportive and loyal friend/sister/girlfriend. Yet on the flip side, I also was adept at telling myself I was a burden to those I loved! I wouldn’t be happy unless I could beat the anxiety. I didn’t deserve a happy relationship, fulfilling job, etc ad nauseum. Self-loathing and despair would win on most days. They were just tempered by a week or two of fierce determination and mental cheerleading.

The years from 20 until 40 were a vicious circle, an unending cycle, an exhausting nightmare. I tried everything to heal myself, to fix myself, to make myself worthy of the life I dreamed of living. My wisdom teeth were pulled because I heard they are on the heart meridian and it’s linked to anxiety. I did extensive work with a Shaman (amazing experience by the way, 10 out of 10 recommend). I went to numerous therapists to try and heal the wounds of a rough childhood. I got my hormones tested (estrogen dominant if you’re curious). Experimented with altering my diet and exercise habits. I read all the authors and tried all the things. You name it, I tried it! And some of them had positive effects, but none lasted. So 20 years of that, throw in an isolating pandemic, and we land at the moment I hit my wall.

Hitting My Wall
By this time the depression had gotten frightening. I had reached the point where I just no longer saw the point of being alive. All I knew was that I was starting to get numb. I couldn’t feel, I had run out of fucks to give, my give a damn had given up the ghost. Sure my family, friends, boyfriend would be sad if I was gone. But it would be a temporary thing and they’d go on. Probably better off than they had been with me around. I had even started to casually ponder how I’d do it. Days upon days were spent just lying in bed. I only ever got up to shower if I knew I’d get to see my boyfriend.

It was at the very lowest of my lows, in September of 2021, when I decided to sit down and have some drinks in the backyard with my close friend. He knew what I was going through because he was going through it himself. We realized that most people with anxiety or depression issues have coping mechanisms, especially us. They drink, read, play video games, or do drugs to try and escape life, to escape the pain. It was at exactly this moment I realized that this feeling like I wanted to end it all… bemoaning the pointlessness of a life lived this way… This was the universe knocking as loudly as it could on my door screaming, “I have a message for you if you’d just open the door and listen to me!!!”. And this, ladies and gents, is where we have my pivotal aha! moment.

How Announcing My Intentions Began My Journey
So there I was having this discussion about coping mechanisms, sipping on my preferred coping mechanism mind you, when all of a sudden with complete clarity I knew… I wasn’t going to do this anymore and I sure as hell wasn’t giving up either. My story was far from over. So I looked at my friend and said, “How about we make a pact? How about we start to live lives we don’t want to escape anymore?”. He immediately agreed, perhaps the universe was knocking extra loud and he heard it too, or maybe my enthusiasm was just contagious. Either way, it was on and plans were made.

So in that moment I looked up to the sky and said to the universe, loudly and with complete and utter conviction, “I am ready to live a life that sparks joy! I will no longer live a life I want to escape!”, and it was in that moment that my life started changing. It was that simple. The journey to joyful living and abundance was underway.

Have you hit that lowest point, or worried you’re going to? Are you ready to answer the universe’s knock, to receive the message? I may not have all the answers but I can promise you, the message is there and ready to be delivered! All you have to do is decide to receive it. I did, and life as I know it is changing daily.

You see what I’ve come to understand is that the universe isn’t actually conspiring against you, life isn’t out to get you. Life loves you, the universe wants to give you what you desire. The trick is recognizing what you’re telling the universe you desire.
I kept saying “I’ll never get better, I am my anxiety and depression, this awful life is consuming me”. I kept unconsciously telling the universe I was all about the negative and the universe said, “ok cool…more of that coming right up”. Even during my highs, when I was on the top, I would succumb to fear. I would look at my future through the lens of anxiety, limitations, and unworthiness. It was always “once I get to point A I’ll have X” or “once I get to point B I’ll finally have Y”. I was telling the universe I couldn’t have what I desired until I reached certain requisites or criteria. And so the universe didn’t give it to me because I hadn’t reached that point yet.
But then I stood and announced my intentions, loudly and with a conviction I felt to the very center of my being. To which the universe said “Oh girl, about time! I’ve got you, get ready it’s all going to come into your life now! Joyful living and abundance coming right up!”.

Ready to Join Me in my Journey and Start Your Transformation?
So there you have it, mostly caught up. The scene it set and the journey has begun. And I’m excited to tell you about the synchronicity I’ve experienced since that fateful evening! I’m stoked to share this journey with you. And I truly hope it will inspire you, or at the very least entertain you. Yes I want abundance, yes I want to experience joyful living…but I want to share that with everybody I can! I want you to experience joyful living and abundance too! I want to give you the tools that I’m discovering! I’m putting in the work and the research and the trials, I want you to reap the rewards!! I’m using exclamation points with reckless abandon so clearly I must mean it. And even if it’s just a small spark of joy, even if it’s just finding a bit of entertainment in my story, I’ll take it.

This isn’t a secret to be hoarded, it’s a gift to be shared. Everybody deserves to have a life that sparks joy. So come with me! I’ll try to keep the posts short, sweet, to the point and fun. But I will always be honest, you’ll also see the bad, the ugly, the mistakes… because that’s life, that’s human nature. And tell me what you want more of, tell me if you have questions, tell me if you want to take this journey with me. It is always easier with help, with somebody by your side to cheer you on. And for a journey like this, where you get to be surrounded by love and joy… Oh yes…I’ll be your huckleberry.