Real Talk: Anxiety Edition

​OK let's have some real talk.  Anxiety edition. For over half my life I have experienced anxiety symptoms on some level or another.  In my brain, if it's not there everyday, I can't say I have anxiety. If it's not omnipresent, it's not in my possession is how I view it.  But I've experienced it to such a degree, that when I look forward, into my future, I don't always remember to remove anxiety from the equation. By don't always I mean rarely, almost never. 
 
And so, I've let the anxiety I've experienced in life keep me from reaching for what I want. I let it keep me from taking risks.  I allowed myself to put a prerequisite on my dreams.  And honestly, that's such bullshit!  I realized I didn't need to let it keep me from experiencing joy... So why the heck would I allow it to keep me waiting to experience new things?  Well I've made a decision.  That stops now.

Ego says "That's Scary AF!"
I'll admit, the idea of making my own way in the world without anybody to rely on, is somewhat terrifying if I let it be.  I've depended on friends and family to drive me to most appointments or places I want/need to go.  I've depended on them to go shopping with me, to travel with me, to take me to the doctor, to spend a day by the river, to grab a bite to eat,etc etc etc.  Doing anything solo is daunting simply because in the past, while doing things by myself, I have experienced some super intense and debilitating anxiety attacks.  Not "get me to a hospital now" level, but the level right underneath where I flee to a place I feel safe to curl up in a fetal position and cry while the pounding heart, shallow breaths, and cold sweats go away.
 
So, like oh so many others similar to me out there, I slowly became afraid of anxiety itself.  I was afraid of being afraid and labeled myself anxiety ridden.  And if you know, you know.  The guilt, the anger, the despondency, the frustration that comes with knowing that there's nothing to be frightened of but still being unable to counter balance your body's fight or flight response. Consequently, while doing all of that, I subconsciously developed a prerequisite for all good things in my life, getting rid of anxiety first.  And I say this lovingly and with the utmost forgiveness for myself, but that's just fucking stupid.
 
What If
My life slowly became one big game of what if.  What if I drive and have an anxiety attack?  What if I go to the store and have an anxiety attack? What if I can't have a healthy relationship because they don't want to have to put up with an anxiety ridden partner?  What if I never get over anxiety?  Jesus, it was exhausting.   I mean, just writing that paragraph stressed me out, I can only imagine what reading it made you feel like.  But that has been my reality.
 
But here's the thing...  I was playing the "what if" game wrong.  Because....what if anxiety flows away from me as seamlessly as it flowed to me?  What if my future is anxiety free?  What if I did a thing and DIDN'T have an anxiety attack?  Or, if we want to cut to the "worst case scenario", what if anxiety is a permanent fixture in your life....will you let that keep you from living it fully?  Cuz boy howdy, I have been.
 
We're Not Gonna Take It
Quite frankly, I've had enough.  I have seen perfect synchronicity enough since deciding to make a life of joyful abundance my priority to know that, the universe will absolutely provide.  So honestly, it doesn't matter what the answers to any of the what ifs are.  All that matters is how I decide I want to flow through life.  Do I want to flow through life afraid that my next anxiety attack is right around the corner?  Or do I want to flow through it knowing that whether it is or isn't, I'll be just fine?
 
I've made my decision. I'm ready.  I'm ready to start living my life and following my dreams and my joy.  I know I'll be OK no matter what.  I know the universe will provide.  But it won't provide if I'm standing still.  I have to reach for it.  It's time.  I'm ready.  Anxiety can go fuck itself. Part of my life or not, I'm done handing it my power.  There are infinite possibilities ahead of me, none of which are guaranteed, so why would I keep banking on the doom and gloom possibility?  
 
It's time.  I'm ready.  I've just clicked into the next phase of my life.  IT should be noted... The last time I did this depression vanished from my life and a TON of phenomenal things happened. I am so excited to see what's coming my way now.