Why It's So Important to Mind Your Own Business

I remembered something recently that I think is actually pretty easy to forget.  Especially in today’s culture that’s all about watching and critiquing other people with social media and reality tv and the like.  It snuck into my consciousness because I’ve been watching a friend struggle with falling into self-destructive habits and very unstable mental health.  And my first inclination, both as a friend and as a coach, is to help that person and shine a light so that they can better find their way.  But the thing is, that person hasn’t asked for my help, my input, or my opinions.  And more importantly, that’s not my job.  Fixing them, guiding them, etc is NOT my job and unless asked for isn’t really wanted.  And when I hit that point is when I finally had my realization/remembrance.

The only person who’s business I should be all up in, who I should worry about, who I should try to help find their balance in life….is ME.  After all, the only person whose thoughts and actions I have any control or say over is my own.  Directing that energy into somebody else’s life is a waste of energy that I could be putting into myself.  Because once I get myself balanced and vibing at a high frequency, the ripple I put out can’t help but offer the same things to those within the radius of my ripple.  So, the very best thing I can do for others, those I know and strangers who come into my orbit, is to focus on making sure that I am so full of joy, love, clarity, serenity, and connection that I can’t help but exude it.  That way they’ll pick up what I’m putting down and continue to seek it for themselves.
 
Nosy Nancy, Voyeur Vivian, & Loving Lucy
I used to have a friend, let’s call her Nosy Nancy, that always got into everybody’s business and wanted to make sure they had all the juiciest gossip.  Not only that, but they were always bursting at the seams to share what they knew.  Listening to that friend repeat gossip, often about people I didn’t know, was exhausting.  It will come as no surprise that eventually that habit bit them in the ass repeatedly and sadly now they’re the ones whose life is in tumult and “gossip worthy”.  And I think we all have that one friend, let’s call her Voyeur Vivian, who lives for the latest tea on social media or devours reality tv and knows the folks on the Bravo channel better at times than their own friends.  Avariciously feasting upon the drama that the housewives ooze in every episode.  Which, don’t get me twisted, I can kinda understand because wow are those people riding fast and furious on the hot mess express.  But have you ever noticed that friend also has a lot of unresolved and repetitious drama in their own life that doesn’t really get dealt with?

Then there’s that person in your life we’ll call Loving Lucy, in fact it’s likely you have more than one and it could be you, that is nosy because they truly worry about the person they’re focused on.  And here I have to raise my hand, because I will pick apart a friend’s life and wonder at the fact that they are making this bad decision, and that poor choice, because don’t they see that’s what’s making them unhappy!?  I want them to thrive and love their life not go through struggles!  I’ve been through something similar I have advice that can help!  Then, there are some of us that level it up and deliver unsolicited brutal honesty.  It may help, it may not, but regardless it won’t endear us to our friends.  And what’s the backlash for this type of person, well typically there’s some unresolved shit we aren’t dealing with.  An area of our life that could definitely use some tending and nurturing that’s being neglected.
 
So What’s the Story Morning Glory?
So, what can we do?  Well… tend to our own damn gardens!  If we’re so busy watching other people’s gardens the weeds will completely take over our own.  And I don’t know about you, but my goal is to love my life and experience joy every day.  Weeds don’t bring me joy, but bright beautiful blooms do, so I’ll focus on making sure I have more of those.  Ok, enough of the garden metaphor.  I get why it’s so easy to focus on other people, especially in an age that’s turned most of us into straight up voyeurs, and judgy ones at that!  Plus, our problems don’t seem so bad when we’re looking at other people’s drama.  But here’s the thing, at the end of the day we can’t do a single thing about that other person’s problems.  It’s THEIR life, not ours. 

Even when we’re coming from a place of love, we will find ourselves incredibly frustrated when the object of our focus doesn’t make the changes we would love to see them make.  And that frustration can actually build until you burst, costing you friendships OR dig its claws in so you have this underlying discontent with you at all times.  It will skew the way you view that person and respect, camaraderie, even the joy you found in the relationship with that person will start to dissolve.  So, it’s time we start weaving certain things into our being.  Pick a mantra and repeat it until it’s a part of you that you live by.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.  What that person says, does, or even thinks of me is none of my business.  The grass is only greener when I’m not paying attention to my own lawn.  Whatever works for you!  Because even if you love them, how other people live their lives is up to them and is truly none of your business.  Even if somebody pulls you into it.  Yep, even the people who pull a douche move on you, that’s a them problem not a you problem, and is still none of your business.
 
QUICK NOTE FOR MY EASILY TRIGGERED BY OTHER PEEPS
Or
But They Made Me Do It!
Or
Triggered Tammy
You can’t control what happens to you in life, you can only control your reaction to it.  Now let me tell you, with ego in the driver’s seat for most of us we (mostly unconsciously) live life with a victim/victor mentality.  We always want to paint ourselves as one or the other.  So, when other people’s problems, poor behavior, bad life choices, and shitty dispositions affect us, we immediately want to dive into the drama and throw our own metaphorical punches because nobody likes being a victim, and everybody wants to be the victor.  I am speaking as somebody who, for years lived with a defense mechanism of “if you even think about hurting me or my people, I won’t just hurt you back I will annihilate you and have a perfectly rational justification for why I did”.  So, believe me, I understand how easy it is to go from bystander to full on participant.  How simple it is to highlight how what they did was wrong and validate the way you want to react.  How responding instead of reacting isn’t even within the realm of comfortable options when you get thrown a curve ball. And there’s almost always a, “well if they didn’t xyz I wouldn’t abc” kind of statement that gets thrown out there.

BUT we chose to react, or even respond.  We chose to participate.  We could have chosen to walk away, to take a beat to let our temper settle, and to recognize that we don’t want to nurture, we want to lash out, and turn our focus elsewhere until we can proceed with calmer feelings.  We could have recognized that it was a them issue and wasn’t a reflection of us. But we didn’t because we forgot one thing, that the only part of what that person did that’s our business, is how we react.  And if we can train ourselves to remember that everything that comes out of somebody else’s mouth is a reflection of who they are and NOT a reflection of who we are it becomes easier and easier to realize that we don’t need to react.  And this is when we flow back into the main topic of this post.  Nurturing ourselves, tending to ourselves, loving on ourselves, and focusing on our own joy.  Because I promise, when that’s your priority, ignoring the assholes and curveballs in life becomes SO MUCH easier.  Ok back to it!
 
Back to Our Previously Scheduled Programming
So, we’ve covered being a Nosy Nancy, Voyeur Vivian, Loving Lucy, and even a Triggered Tammy.  And what do all of these scenarios have in common?  When we fall into those roles, we aren’t paying attention to us.  Since us is all we get to control, we need to re-program ourselves to make us our priority.  This is where I can’t stress loudly enough, FOCUSING ON YOURSELF ISN’T SELFISH! For my people out there who were conditioned to think that the opposite of that is true, I need you to really pay attention to this part.  We are vibrational beings, (and for all my peeps who think that’s a really woo-woo thing to say I hate to break it to you but it’s actually scientifically proven), and as such it’s up to us to pay attention to the frequency we are vibrating at.  Are we vibrating at a high frequency in line with joy, love, serenity, etc.  Or are we vibrating at a low frequency and in line with drama, anger, depression, hate, etc.  We want to figure this out because that will influence not only what we’re attracting, but also what we’re putting out there.  And what we put out there has an impact on the people in our lives.

For example, think of that Oscar the Grouch or Eeyore friend you have.  You know the one who is always angry, or gloomy, and 80% of what comes out of their mouth is negative in some fashion.  It’s hard to be around them right?  You feel drained after spending too much time in their company.  Or think about the last time you ran into somebody and you could tell that something was wrong.  It made you feel a little off.  Not because they told you but because you felt it.  And when you asked what was wrong they told you that they just got in a fight. Even worse when you spend too much time around either type of person your mood starts lowering.  Now think of when you hear a baby laughing, or you see two people hugging with smiles on their faces, or a friend gets good news.  You feel happier, lighter, and better don’t you?  In any of those scenarios you’re feeling the frequency that person is vibrating at, it has an effect on you.  Which means that the opposite is true too, your frequency effects others.
 
Yeah, and?
So if we know that our words can’t change anybody else’s behavior, situation, problems, etc.  And we know that the frequency we vibe at can in fact have an impact.  Doesn’t it make sense that our attention and focus should be on ourselves?  Wouldn’t it be a wiser use of our energy and time if we focused on making sure our ripple was a positive one?  And if we want to go back to our garden metaphor from before…which why give up on it now… couldn’t planting our garden and nurturing it so that it attracted pollinators that would then go forth an pollinate other gardens be one of the best uses of our time and energy? 

And here’s another kicker for ya, when you set a positive example, you inspire others to take similar action.  I mean, have you ever wanted to copy an unhappy miserable person or an angry hateful person?  I personally never have.  Aren’t you instead drawn to the happy, the beautiful, the successful, the serene, the confident, the motivated, the accomplished, the glow ups, and the triumphant? So, it would seem that taking our attention off of others and putting it on ourselves just might be the very best thing we could do for ourselves AND for others in multiple ways.
 
“Gardening adds Years to your Life and Life to your Years”
I apologized to my friend the other morning.  I apologized for letting myself get so worried about them that I allowed myself to forget that it’s not my life they’re living, it’s theirs.  I apologized for forgetting that the path I walk is not the path they’re meant to walk on.  I apologized for forgetting that they have to catch themselves when they stumble, otherwise they’ll never learn how to stay steady.  I apologized for thinking that I knew best what their life decisions should look like when I’m not them and they aren’t me.  I apologized for trying to offer guidance when it wasn’t asked for and they were not ready for it.  I apologized for getting wrapped up in their business when I was better off tending to my own.  I reminded them that I would be there to support them and that I’d continue to work on myself so I could be the best support they could have, when THEY were ready for it. 

And I think it felt good for both of us.  I walked away from that interaction and remembered that divine timing doesn’t look the same for everybody.  And that lessons learned by experience have far more impact than those that are understood in concept.  I remembered that the best thing I could do for my friend was work on myself so that my ripple and frequency continue to buoy others up and that the example I set is that of a gardener tending diligently to their own garden.  (Did you really think I was going to let that metaphor go at the end of it all?).  So now I’ll go back to getting all up in my own business, do all the high vibing things I can do, and focusing on ME.  I might need reminding here and there, but I will say the moment I decided to let go of nosing into other people’s drama my heart felt happy and that particular bloom is one I will happily nurture.