My Failed Relationship – A Cautionary Tale
I saw this post while scrolling through IG this weekend.  And I shared it to my stories and captioned it with, “I waited to let go of somebody that didn’t serve me and it was ultimately harder on me when it ended badly”.  Now, don’t get me twisted, I got A LOT out of staying in that tumultuous relationship.  It helped shape me into the entrepreneur and coach I am today.  The lessons were priceless.  I wouldn’t change what I did, but I have learned something else rather invaluable in hindsight that I get to take with me in the future.  The emotional fallout of clinging to an attachment, be it to a person, job, house, etc, is far greater than the pain you’ll feel if you let it go when intuition tells you it no longer serves you.  I know for a fact that if I had honored my doubts and intuition when that man first started showing me through actions that he wasn’t going to be there for me as a true partner regardless of what his words said, I would have been saved some fairly devastating and incredibly painful heartbreak. 

So why didn’t I? Well, there were a few shining moments in that relationship that helped show me what real love looks like.  For the first time in my adult life I found out what it felt like to be cherished, appreciated, accepted for me, loved, and valued. Granted, I can’t tell you if he truly felt that way because to this day his feelings remain a mystery to me.  But I felt that from him in the moment and, I think, the fear of the pain that comes with losing that is why I stayed in it longer than I needed to. I knew leaving him would leave an empty place in my heart.  Getting used to being single again after so many years would be uncomfortable.   I’d have to accept that I had put the power to make me happy into his hands and out of mine, and there was disappointment in acknowledging it that I really didn’t want to feel.  So, I stayed.  I stayed in a relationship that did not serve me, that left me lonely and unsure, and then got ripped cruelly away from me in a way that rocked my world.
 
Fear is like Fertilizer
I could have avoided a lot of pain if I hadn’t been afraid of a little of it.  Like I said, it helped shape me and still teaches me to this day, so I don’t regret it.  But I’ll be honest, I still have occasional fallout from it that I am working on.  There are still moments of doubt and judgement that I know I absolutely don’t deserve to experience.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that in the future I will absolutely embrace a little pain to save myself from agony like that.  Because while I accept pain as a part of the human experience, it never has to be that crippling.   If we just acknowledge that pain will happen, if we embrace it as the learning tool and presenter of opportunities that it is, instead of fear it…we will be far better off in the long run.

Because here’s the thing, we’re so tied to this perspective of emotional pain being bad, as something that detracts from life, that we avoid it as if our life depended on it.  When really, it is one of our best teachers.  When I look back to jobs I didn’t like but stayed at only to get fired…ugh I knew but I let fear keep me in it.  Because being broke and jobless is scary.  And yet, my few times on unemployment back in the day were some of the best I’ve ever had.  I thrived.  Or, as somebody who suffers from anxiety, I’ll avoid driving or going to a store solo because anxiety is scary.  And yet, 99% of the time I do those things I’m absolutely fine and feeling empowered just for having done them.  We run from the pain when, half the time it isn’t even painful and the other half the pain is nowhere near as bad as you think it will be or that it ultimately ends up being by having avoided it in the first place. 
 
If You Like It Buy 3 Pairs
So yes, I’ll also be applying this to every aspect of my life, not just relationships. After all, if you find a pair of flattering jeans you buy 3 pairs right?  Also, keep in mind the other aspect to this.  If we’re so busy being afraid of what the future holds, we’re robbed of enjoying the present moment.  And we absolutely deserve to enjoy it, all of it!  The relationship, the job, the friendship, the trip… all of it.  The good days, the bad days, because yes on the journey to joyful you will still have both.  The downs in life are still very much serving a purpose.  The contrast of the ups and downs make the ups so much more beautiful.  So we should be enjoying it all! As long as it is serving our highest good. 

How do we know if it’s serving our highest good?  Well ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly from your heart.  Does it light you up inside, does it make you want to be the best version of yourself, does it benefit you and those around you?  Does it add to your life, or does it diminish it?  How does it make you feel in the long term not just the short term.  Do the positives outweigh the negatives?  At the end of the day, you know.  Sure the questions help, but your intuition and emotions guide you fairly accurately.  I can honestly say mine have never been wrong.  Sure, I’ve ignored them, but they’ve never been wrong.
 
That’s It, That’s All
I mean there’s really not a lot more to say, this is one of those blog posts where social media got my brain going and I wanted to share my thoughts. End of the day, I bet you can go through your mental rolodex of memories and pick out a few instances where you decided to cling to something that didn’t serve you out of fear of the pain of letting it go.  I know I’m not the only one, hell that IG post wouldn’t be there if I was!  You don’t even have to admit it to anybody other than yourself.  And please do not judge yourself for having done it!!!  We are human, we try to avoid pain even when the pain can heal us because that’s how we’ve been conditioned.  To look to instant gratification, not life lessons through painful moments.  What matters the most is we recognize it and try to do better the next time.  Because all anybody can do is their best.  What do you think?  How many times have you avoided letting something go just to avoid the pain of its loss? 
 

Turning From Head to Heart
Between prepping for the release of my mini-MasterClass and my wine industry work, I have been a very busy lady lately.  And while it’s in the best possible way, there were moments when my head was spinning and tapping into my heart for answers seemed a bit more challenging than usual.  Which isn't all that surprising because when the mind is clamoring for attention the heart often gets overlooked.
 
Now it may be normal for our brains and egos to take the lead, and to get overwhelmed sometimes in the process, but we don't have to lean into that.  We can choose to take a beat to realign with the soothing, loving energy of our heart and let it guide us.  Not only can we, but we should.  Because I promise you, it feels so much better that way.  (Spoiler Alert: Scroll down for a guided video to help do just that)
 
Step one, realize when it’s time to shift.
Recognizing when it’s time to shift from leading with our head to leading with our heart can be easy in some moments and trickier in others.  If we want to go from analytical action based us to creative us, or soul-searching truth seeking us, it’s fairly obvious.  Or perhaps we’re stressed and feeling like life’s a bit chaotic, which are probably the most easily recognizable moments. Honestly there are a myriad of other reasons why we might want to tune into the gentle, loving energy of our heart and let it lead, some recognizable and some not.  So how can we tell if it’s one that isn’t recognizable?  For that we tune into the detection system that is our physical body.
 
I try to scan my body periodically throughout the day, and it’s something I highly recommend getting into the habit of if you find yourself frequently getting overwhelmed and stressed.  Sometimes it's easy to recognize when the brain and ego are letting chaos lead. Your energy is frenetic, your focus is shot, your body is tense.  It doesn't feel great.  Yet at other times you're plugging away at tasks, hyper focused on achieving, feeling pretty productive. You’re feeling proud of yourself and unstoppable.  But here's the kicker, sometimes even in those powerhouse moments if you tune in you’ll find you’re still tense.  Now, I’m all for the, "look at me being a bad ass and getting shit done!" moments. But I also know that being in that mode for a prolonged amount of time doesn't serve me.  I'm not tapped into my connection with source or my heart.  And it might take a bit to recognize but eventually I feel it, I'm a machine. 
 
Step two, tap back into the heart.
Whether you’ve tuned into your body and recognized you're not leading with your heart, or you're wanting to sit down and get to know yourself, or you want some guidance from the universe…you realized it’s time for a shift.  Which means it's time to give yourself a pattern interrupt. A few minutes where your focus is moved away from the external and is absolutely singular.  Now, I love meditation, and you'll find me often having a 5 minute quickie meditation session when I need to realign, but one of the easier ways to make that shift is with breathing exercises.  Breathing exercises help to disengage your mind from stressful and distracting thoughts and sensations, help to decrease anxiety, and aid in relaxation.  They are a very effective pattern interrupt.
 
One of my absolute favorites, 16 seconds, was taught to me by my mentor davidji.   The beauty of this exercise is that it only takes 16 seconds, barely any time at all, to give yourself that needed interruption and set yourself up for success.  With this exercise the momentum from “chaotic” you has been halted making tuning into your heart a much more effortless process. I’ve also found that with my focus on my breathing, already looking inwardly, the shift to looking within for guidance and answers is a much easier process. In mere moments you feel the soothing energy of the heart washing over you.  It’s a much needed release from stress and you can feel the chaos melt away as the heart takes the lead from the mind.
 
16 Seconds FTW
Of course, there are other ways for you to tap into leading with your heart.  Sometimes it can be as easy as saying hmmm, it's time to pump the breaks a bit.  How can I nurture myself and follow my joy?  Other times it can take a good 20-30 minute meditation session.  But regardless of which way you choose, or feel called to follow, to tap back into the gentler energy of your heart, trying 16 seconds out beforehand will make it much more effortless.  In fact, sometimes that 16 seconds is all it takes.  But don't take my word for it, try it yourself.  Today's blog freebie is a guided video of the 16 second process.