​It's easy to follow your joy when you're feeling inspired and excited and loving life. But sometimes contrast happens, and you don’t feel your best.  Habitual behavior might make sinking into those negative thoughts and wallowing in your woe effortless, it might even sound appealing. Or maybe you start judging yourself for not being your best version, been there a ton.  But those are the days we need to be the kindest to ourselves.  When the world gets wonky instead of falling into feelings of resentment, grief, anxiety, frustration, regret, blame, anger, sadness, disappointment, judgement, etc… Instead of focusing on what makes me upset or unhappy… I put all my effort into loving myself, comforting myself, pampering myself, nurturing myself. 
 
I'll sit in front of the mirror and say hello my sweet girl, what can I do for you in this moment? How can I comfort you?  I make space for myself, I'm soft, I'm gentle, I'm kind, I'm loving.  I give myself grace.  I prioritize my mental health and peace of mind.  I go gently through my day and ask myself what would make you happy my love? What would give you comfort?  I forgive myself, I nurture myself. I'll say out loud, “Today we'll just do our best”.  Loving ourselves gets top priority and everything else only gets the bare minimum needed to not add to any negative feelings or thoughts I could have about myself. It gets just enough to do the job right and I can do it slowly and in stages.  In between I'll just love on myself.
 
I like to think of it as dealing with yourself with the gentleness that you would a fragile friend dealing with grief.  You give them a safe and gentle presence.  You don't tell them they aren't doing it right.  You’re there with love, support, encouragement, kindness, and caring.  You celebrate simple tasks that are easy wins, with an abundance of cheering on a job well done.  “You brushed your teeth!  Fantastic job.  Look at you prioritizing yourself even when it feels hard!  Amazing.”  Deciding to do little things that bring joy.  “Fuck yes let's color in that coloring book!  Simple and mindless but still fun and it nurtures our inner child.  What a brilliant idea!”  Doing tasks in bite sized chunks.  “You can only download those names but not organize the spreadsheet, girl look at you still making progress!!! It took you 20 minutes to respond to a simple email?  Well do you feel like you did it correctly and with the right tone?  Yes?  Fuck yeah!!!!  You could have not done it, but you DID do it, and you did it well.  Amazing job!”
 
And, after spending some time on loving yourself, sometimes you can get to that place where you shift your perspective. It might happen in increments, but slowly we can get to feeling better.  I'll remind myself that the icky things in life usually precede something awesome.  And at the very least they teach me something, or help me more clearly define how I want to flow through life and what choices I want to make.  This is usually when I lean into forgiveness a little bit harder.  Forgiving others. Forgiving myself.  But if I can't get to a good feeling thought, and sometimes we can’t right away, I say “that's ok my love, we will.  Let's do or think about something that does make us feel good.  Or at least neutral”.  And sometimes, it's OK to dive into a book or show or movie so that we can press pause on thoughts altogether.
 
Life won't always be perfect and that's not only OK, but good.  It's how we handle those less than perfect moments that counts.  I'm always so proud of myself when I go into nurture mode.  Because I'm showing up for myself. I'm showing myself that I matter and that I'm priority number one.  And before long love and gratitude are dominant.  And eventually my perspective does shift.  And it's a win!  And I celebrate it.  Now I get excited when I see how the contrast is helping me be able to vibrate a little higher, to upgrade myself to a better version. And honestly the shift from ick to a win gets faster and faster.  The ability to be grateful for the contrast is easier. And even if it did nothing but show me just how much I've grown and improved I'm still pleased as punch by it.  Because who doesn't love a little validation?  Who doesn't love a reminder of just how much you've grown and learned and changed.
 
Here's the thing, you and I might be far from perfect, but in flowing through my “down” moments this way I can be (and am) damn proud of who I am even as I continue to get better.  We need to give ourselves permission to not always be at our highest and best, because that’s unrealistic.  But we can flow through the lower and less than ideal times with love, grace, and softness then that, in and of itself, is still winning remarkably at life.  I invite you to try it out, and see if it just doesn’t help shift you into a better feeling place.  Spoiler alert: loving your life enthusiastically isn’t far behind that better feeling.

If there is one thing that I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs until people believed it, it’s that you have to get “selfish”.  Now don’t get me twisted…you aren’t actually being selfish here.  But it sure as hell feels like it after you’ve spent your entire life so far being taught that we have to put others first.  That you have to consider other’s feelings over yours.  That you’re responsible for making your family, friends, loved ones, society, coworkers, etc happy.  We were trained to think that putting ourselves first, and making sure we were healthy and happy and whole was selfish.  Spoiler alert… IT’S NOT FUCKING SELFISH!
 
Here's the thing, there’s a reason you have to put your oxygen mask on first in the event of an emergency.  There’s a reason you have to fill your own cup first, it’s so that when it runneth over then you can help fill other cups.  If you want to that is.  You cannot fill anybody’s joy cup if your well is empty.  You can’t.  And if you’re tempted to come at me with “Oh but Lindley my kids, I don’t have a choice”...  Miss me with your bullshit.  Kids are sponges, they soak up everything around them.  So what example do you want to set?  Run yourself ragged pleasing and caring for others until you’re miserable?  Or make yourself a priority because you are worthy and you deserve it. 
 
Wanna Know a Secret? 
Everything you do, everything you are, you in your entirety and all that encompasses has a ripple effect.  You radiate your energy, you send out vibrations at the same level that you’re vibrating at.  Think I’m lying?  Think about being around somebody who is happy and laughing hysterically… you can’t help but smile after a minute right?  Now think about being around somebody who is in a foul mood and doesn’t care if everybody knows it, you start feeling icky after a while right?  So what ripple do you want to send out, what energy do you want to flow into the world, what frequency do you want to vibe at? 
 
Now I know that we’re co-creating with millions of other people so we can’t always control what’s happening in our life.  And sometimes you get thrown a curveball that sucker punches you and leaves you struggling.  But while we can’t control anything around us, we can control how we react.  We get to choose what we think, what we believe, how we feel.  We don’t think we do because we’ve been told otherwise so long we think it’s fact, but we actually do get to choose.  And yes, I’m fully aware that sometimes it can be rough.  But as long as you reach for a better feeling thought, or thinking about something else altogether that does make you feel good, you’ll quickly realize you’re way more in control than you ever thought.   It just takes practice and dedication.
 
Practical Application
So practice that and follow your joy as often as possible.  Want an actionable exercise to get you started?  I’m going to give you an exercise straight from my online course, Journey to Joyful.  Make a joy list.  I want you to write down everything that truly brings you joy.  It can be tiny and insignificant, like making a cup of tea, or it can be big and wondrous, like going to your favorite vacation spot.  The sky is the limit, the world is your oyster, as long as it lights you up inside and brings you joy it goes on the list.  Then once you have your list do one thing a day off that list.  And if going to Paris is on your list and that’s not feasible, plan a trip to Paris.  Pick your restaurants, museums, hotels, etc.  If shopping for a new wardrobe is on the list but you don’t have the cash, go online, fill your cart, then leave it.  Or maybe it’s something easy like snuggling with your dog.  And while you’re doing that thing (or more if you’re an overachiever and in this we love that for you!) say out loud.  Look at this, I DO have joy in my life.  Every time I “inset thing here” I’m truly happy.  How lucky am I!  Bonus points if you tell somebody you’re doing something and it’s bringing you joy.  Don’t have anybody to tell?  Tell me!  Shoot me an email or comment on this post, and say I just did the thing and it brought me such joy.  And I’ll celebrate that with you, because how awesome is that!!  Yesterday you were thinking you didn’t have joy, couldn’t find it, were a failure and today you’ve found some joy.  That’s epic!!!
 
Anyway, the moral of the story is, making yourself, your joy, and your mental health a priority, is NOT being selfish.  You’re doing yourself, and everybody your ripple touches, a great service.  And I need you to repeat this after me: Other people’s happiness is not my responsibility, only my happiness is.  Please though, don’t be a dick.  That’s not fun.  Now go forth and do a joyful thing!  Oh, and happy New Year!!

Holy shit!  I did a trend on TT and never expected the response I got.  If you haven’t seen it there’s a trend on TT where you start with an aged filter and then remove it to show that you love how well you’re actually aging.  I woke up one morning, was scrolling through, and decided “that looks like fun I want to try!”  So, I did and posted it without giving it much thought.  What transpired afterwards ended up being a social experiment of sorts and honestly was a sad commentary on how people behave from behind the safety of their screens.

Ok, to be fair.  I had just woken up and ya girl looks about 70 years old at best first thing outta bed.  My eye bags turn into eye luggage, my wrinkles are on proud display, and I assume a general air of puffiness that would make the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man a little jealous.  Needless to say, I’m not at my best looking in the morning.  I also had light shining in my face that enhanced every imperfection.  So I fully own, I wasn’t at my best.  BUT I saw the difference when the filter lifted, and I was tickled by it.  I posted it in good faith thinking it would get my typical 200ish views with a few likes by my real-life friends and most devoted supporters.  (quick shout out to that last group, they rock and always make me feel so seen!)
 
So What Happened Was…
So that’s what I expected.  At last glance I had 140,000 views, 1,491 likes, and over 1,000 comments.  But here’s the thing, and it’s a BIG BUT, about 95% of those comments are people breaking a leg to get in there and tell me how bad I look.  And I have never been so glad in my life that I have put in work to learn how to love and appreciate myself.  That I know the source of my joy and my power isn’t in the hands of others but in my own...  Thank fucking God that I have thick skin and that shit rolled off me like water off a duck’s ass because man are people on the internet brutally mean!

Somebody commented that the comments are about to take over the likes at one point.  People were in such a hurry to tell me how bad they thought I looked, that comments almost overtook likes!  That never happens, at least not for a relatively tiny account like mine.  And honestly, I’m a little saddened and a little disgusted by humanity.  People are accusing me of wanting validation, of being vain, of needing compliments.  If I looked drop dead gorgeous after I dropped that filter, I hardly would have heard a peep from anyone, but because I hopped on and had fun looking my worst, they tried to tear me apart.
 
Is This the Real World?
And while I’m ok because, my sense of self-worth comes from me not strangers on the interweb, I’m secure in who I am, and (I’ll admit to this small vanity because let’s face it those assholes certainly aren’t popping onto my website trying to better themselves, lol) I actually look way better than I did in that video about 98% of the time, my heart hurts a bit.  I am a stranger, that has never done anything to these people other than having the gall to look bad in a tiktok.  Not only that but a coach that tries to lift people up and help them love themselves and their life.  And not one person took the time to look at my profile to see who I was, or how I looked normally, before hurling their best insult in an effort to be mean.

So many people said, “Well I’m just honest, I say what other people are to afraid to”.  Umm... no that’s called manners!  They have better manners than you and keep their mouths shut.  Oh, and my favorite, the people who admit that they’d NEVER treat somebody like that in person but it’s TikTok so it’s ok!!!????  Person after person said, well you posted it so you deserve us being mean.  And it got me to thinking, is that our mentality now?  Do we deserve hatred and bullying because we wanted to have fun and participate in a trend?
 
I Deleted A LOT of My Own Replies
I sincerely went on and participated in the trend because I’m happy with how I’m aging, I’m proud of what 43 looks like on me, it seemed like innocent fun.  And these strangers took that as an invitation to be horrid to me.  And so many of them were downright gleeful about it!!!  They took joy in trying to make me feel bad about myself.  And I won’t even go into the ones who accused me of being racist when I replied to their nastiness.  A handful of these people (of every skin tone) got downright feral when I called them out on their behavior.  One woman went so far as to stalk my other videos to leave nasty comments trying to undermine my messages of hope and joy.  Messages intended to help people love their lives, to find their joy.  And this woman tried to stop me from being able to do that?

Sometimes I’d clap back, and other times I’d go for the kill em with kindness route, when I decided to respond at all.  And the kindness route always had people backtracking.  I got apologies, I got people deleting their comments.  Those people give me hope, because I don’t think they truly want to be bullies.  They’re just looking for a boost and some joy in whatever way they can find it.  Hopefully the interaction left them thinking about the person on the other side of the screen.  Fingers crossed it got them thinking about how they’re getting that dopamine hit they’re grasping for.  Because being an asshole just ain’t it.

But the people that gave me the most hope were the handful of mostly women, and a couple of gents, that either lifted me up and supported me or made sure their disgust in the majority of my comment section was well know.  These beautiful souls give me faith in humanity.  They let me know that we’re not doomed.  Their kindness (when I admittedly didn’t look my best) touched my heart.  Because their instinct wasn’t to hurt but to offer love.  To protect, to support, to lift up.  Those beautiful souls deserve the world, and they’ll never know how very much they stood out to me during all of this.
 
Moral of the Story
I finally turned off the comments because the hate got repetitive and I get to choose the environment I put myself in.  At the end of the day, I’m fine.  I love myself, I am a beautiful soul, a unique expression of divine source energy, and I’m doing important work.  I’m in charge of my happiness and, quite frankly, I don’t give these people permission to rob me of any of it. And here’s the thing that these assholes never even thought of, their hate helps me spread my messages of love and joy.  It widens my reach!  And that is divine retribution if you ask me. It’s beautifully fitting.  So, I acknowledge that bit of sadness that this experience has shown me, it’s valid after all, but I release it with love.  If I, somebody with thick skin, has to handle a little hate to spread a lot of love then so be it.  Because what these fuckers don’t realize is I’m one bad ass bitch and I won’t stop being a light to guide people seeking their path to joy. 

And if this experience has shown me anything, it’s that what I have to offer in my course is more important than ever.  Because we aren’t just fighting a battle with ourselves these days, but we’re also having to protect ourselves from keyboard warriors, bullies, and trolls.  People who are so unhappy that the only way they can get joy is to try and steal it from others.  And the best defense against pathetic actions like that is to be solid in who you are and where your happiness actually comes from.  Because once you know that, once you own that, once you dedicate yourself to nurturing that, there’s not a soul on earth who can hurt you with their words.
 
Please Remember!!!
Let me leave you with a final reminder, do better.  Check yourself. I had to look back and think, have I left comments that could have been far more hurtful than I intended?  Let’s be honest, I probably have.  But you can be damn sure I won’t be doing that anymore.  I’ll let the three gates guide me before I ever start typing.  I urge you to do the same!  Just remember:
1.Is it true
2.Is it necessary
3.Is it kind
If it doesn’t pass all three gates, don’t type it.  Because what we can do/say and what we should do/say are vastly different things.  And to the assholes that spent the past few weeks bullying me, have the month you deserve!

I had this other blog post I had written all queued up and ready to go but for some reason I just didn’t feel like sending it.  So instead, you’re getting an off the cuff, spur of the moment, mid-year check in! I mean, it’s July…we’re literally at the halfway point of the year.  That’s 6 more months for you to be able to make this year the best year ever!!  I mean, who doesn’t want to make that happen?  So let’s do it, let’s dive in and take a peek at what 2024 has held so far, and what we want to get out of the second half of the year!  I’ll share mine if you share yours!!!
 
Bumpy Beginnings
Ok I don’t know about you, but I know that for myself the beginning of the year was rocky.  I remember hearing it from my friends and family as well so it’s a safe bet yours could have been that way too.  You may or may not remember, but my computer deleted all of my business files right before I was set to launch my new online course.  Man, that was rough!!!  But here’s the thing, after that initial freak out (yes I bawled my eyes out like a baby) I decided to just let it go.  There was literally nothing I could do about it, and I knew I wasn’t ready to decide if I should re-create the whole thing, so I let it all go.  I threw it in the fuck-it bucket, and focused solely on following my joy and nourishing my mental health.

And here’s the thing… I am so damn proud of myself for doing that.  Because let’s face it, when things get rough we can easily slip into the mode where we hyper-focus on the bad stuff.  That mode blows, it doesn’t feel good, and it achieves nothing.  We know the problem is there.  Let’s focus on the solution.  And if doing that right away doesn’t feel good, don’t!  Wait until it does feel good.  I would periodically check in with myself when people would ask me if I was going to recreate the course.  And I’d say, “I think so.  I really believe in what I’m creating, I truly believe that there are people out there who could really benefit from what I have to share.  So I think so, but just not yet.”.  And then, thanks to my amazing business coach Jenesis 😍, (yes coaches have coaches too!) I realized I could do it in bite sized chunks. Once that option opened up, I DOVE back into my project and it felt really good.  Better than the first time even!

Now I gotta ask, how was the start of 2024 for you?  Leave a comment or shoot me an email because I’d love to hear where you started vs where you’re at.
 
Halfway Home
Once I re-aligned with my passion and purpose, things slowly started looking up across the board.  From a professional standpoint my winery work slid into gear and my coaching work got dialed in.  I have my signature online course ready to go, I have a free webinar on creating sustainable joy now without having to fix yourself at all first.  I found the drive to get more active and have more fun on social media.  Yeah, loving the haps on the professional front!  But one of the best things about this year, once we got past that bumpy beginning, is that I’ve had some major aha! Moments AND I clicked into my next gear.  And holy shit that’s an exciting experience!!!

The only reason I can recognize clicking into another gear, or another phase if you will, is because I remember what it felt like the first time it happened to me.  The day I had had enough and decided I was changing my life.  There’s just this deep resonance in your core and a weight off your shoulders and an excitement that can’t be matched.  You know your life is about to change, you don’t know how, but you know it will and you’re stoked.  And my gear shift came in the form of one whopper of an aha! moment.  I realized that I was no longer letting anxiety keep me from having a joy filled life, but I WAS letting it keep me from following my dreams.  And that was unacceptable.  Because there are no prerequisites for achieving your goals and following your dreams.  Follow them!  And if you have to work around some tricky stuff, work around it!  We don’t upper limit ourselves and yet I was doing that very same thing.  Needless to say, I changed that quick style. 

Ok I have another question for you!  Did you find yourself starting to get into the swing of things and feeling more positive as you got closer to the mid-year?
 
Best Year Ever!
For me, and plenty of others in my life, 2024 has been the year where all those last little kinks get ironed out so that 2025 sees you thriving like you never have before.  I've had some amazing mindset shifts that I've truly embraced that have allowed that to happen.  Perspectives like:

• Redefine Success as Getting to This Moment.  You did everything you had to do, got the hard stuff out of the way, and set yourself up perfectly.  Now just relax and watch as it all pays off and the magnificent unfolds.
• There is always a way to follow your dreams.  ALWAYS.  No matter what you think is wrong with you, no matter what that thing is that keeps you from trying, it can’t stop you.
• The universe really does provide, and usually in the tiniest of ways that you don’t even recognize is getting you closer to what you want.  Start looking for them and being grateful that they’re happening and you start the world’s best snowball effect.
• You’ve manifested some pretty rad shit in your life, why would this next thing you want be any different?
• Let’s stop calling it anxiety and start embracing the term catastrophizing! Seriously it’s less triggering and as nothing is ever really a catastrophe it’s easy to laugh at myself for anxiety than succumb to it.

Now, I love those and fully support you adopting them for yourself.  But especially cuz we’re sitting here on the precipice.  We have 6 months in front of us to create whatever our little hearts desire and make 2024 the best year ever.  So let’s do that!  Here are a few questions for you to ask yourself so you can finish out 2024 strong.  Whip out your journal, take a few deep breaths and let your heart answer.

• What would it take to make the second half of 2024 better than the first half?
• What’s one thing I can do to move me in the direction of my dreams and goals?
• What would it take to make 2024 the best year ever?
• What’s one step I could take to make the first question’s answer a reality?
• What’s one step I could take to make the third question’s answer a reality?
• What’s a habit or behavior of mine that I’m ready to release so I can end this year on a high note?
• What can I do in these next six months to finish setting myself up for a stellar 2025?

 
Ok my friends, get to journaling or share your answers with me!  And, if you have time answer my other questions in the comments or in a reply email, because seriously!  I’d love to hear your answers.  And have a kick ass rest of your 2024!!
 
PS.  Here’s the link again to the free webinar I mentioned earlier, because you deserve joy now and don’t need to fix a damn thing before you start getting it!
PPS. And my friend… if you want a fool proof blueprint to living a joy filled life, all the necessary tools to make that blueprint a reality (plus fun extras), and as much support as your little heart desires… Well, I’ve got a course for that and if you click here you can find out more. 🥰

​OK let's have some real talk.  Anxiety edition. For over half my life I have experienced anxiety symptoms on some level or another.  In my brain, if it's not there everyday, I can't say I have anxiety. If it's not omnipresent, it's not in my possession is how I view it.  But I've experienced it to such a degree, that when I look forward, into my future, I don't always remember to remove anxiety from the equation. By don't always I mean rarely, almost never. 
 
And so, I've let the anxiety I've experienced in life keep me from reaching for what I want. I let it keep me from taking risks.  I allowed myself to put a prerequisite on my dreams.  And honestly, that's such bullshit!  I realized I didn't need to let it keep me from experiencing joy... So why the heck would I allow it to keep me waiting to experience new things?  Well I've made a decision.  That stops now.

Ego says "That's Scary AF!"
I'll admit, the idea of making my own way in the world without anybody to rely on, is somewhat terrifying if I let it be.  I've depended on friends and family to drive me to most appointments or places I want/need to go.  I've depended on them to go shopping with me, to travel with me, to take me to the doctor, to spend a day by the river, to grab a bite to eat,etc etc etc.  Doing anything solo is daunting simply because in the past, while doing things by myself, I have experienced some super intense and debilitating anxiety attacks.  Not "get me to a hospital now" level, but the level right underneath where I flee to a place I feel safe to curl up in a fetal position and cry while the pounding heart, shallow breaths, and cold sweats go away.
 
So, like oh so many others similar to me out there, I slowly became afraid of anxiety itself.  I was afraid of being afraid and labeled myself anxiety ridden.  And if you know, you know.  The guilt, the anger, the despondency, the frustration that comes with knowing that there's nothing to be frightened of but still being unable to counter balance your body's fight or flight response. Consequently, while doing all of that, I subconsciously developed a prerequisite for all good things in my life, getting rid of anxiety first.  And I say this lovingly and with the utmost forgiveness for myself, but that's just fucking stupid.
 
What If
My life slowly became one big game of what if.  What if I drive and have an anxiety attack?  What if I go to the store and have an anxiety attack? What if I can't have a healthy relationship because they don't want to have to put up with an anxiety ridden partner?  What if I never get over anxiety?  Jesus, it was exhausting.   I mean, just writing that paragraph stressed me out, I can only imagine what reading it made you feel like.  But that has been my reality.
 
But here's the thing...  I was playing the "what if" game wrong.  Because....what if anxiety flows away from me as seamlessly as it flowed to me?  What if my future is anxiety free?  What if I did a thing and DIDN'T have an anxiety attack?  Or, if we want to cut to the "worst case scenario", what if anxiety is a permanent fixture in your life....will you let that keep you from living it fully?  Cuz boy howdy, I have been.
 
We're Not Gonna Take It
Quite frankly, I've had enough.  I have seen perfect synchronicity enough since deciding to make a life of joyful abundance my priority to know that, the universe will absolutely provide.  So honestly, it doesn't matter what the answers to any of the what ifs are.  All that matters is how I decide I want to flow through life.  Do I want to flow through life afraid that my next anxiety attack is right around the corner?  Or do I want to flow through it knowing that whether it is or isn't, I'll be just fine?
 
I've made my decision. I'm ready.  I'm ready to start living my life and following my dreams and my joy.  I know I'll be OK no matter what.  I know the universe will provide.  But it won't provide if I'm standing still.  I have to reach for it.  It's time.  I'm ready.  Anxiety can go fuck itself. Part of my life or not, I'm done handing it my power.  There are infinite possibilities ahead of me, none of which are guaranteed, so why would I keep banking on the doom and gloom possibility?  
 
It's time.  I'm ready.  I've just clicked into the next phase of my life.  IT should be noted... The last time I did this depression vanished from my life and a TON of phenomenal things happened. I am so excited to see what's coming my way now.

I remembered something recently that I think is actually pretty easy to forget.  Especially in today’s culture that’s all about watching and critiquing other people with social media and reality tv and the like.  It snuck into my consciousness because I’ve been watching a friend struggle with falling into self-destructive habits and very unstable mental health.  And my first inclination, both as a friend and as a coach, is to help that person and shine a light so that they can better find their way.  But the thing is, that person hasn’t asked for my help, my input, or my opinions.  And more importantly, that’s not my job.  Fixing them, guiding them, etc is NOT my job and unless asked for isn’t really wanted.  And when I hit that point is when I finally had my realization/remembrance.

The only person who’s business I should be all up in, who I should worry about, who I should try to help find their balance in life….is ME.  After all, the only person whose thoughts and actions I have any control or say over is my own.  Directing that energy into somebody else’s life is a waste of energy that I could be putting into myself.  Because once I get myself balanced and vibing at a high frequency, the ripple I put out can’t help but offer the same things to those within the radius of my ripple.  So, the very best thing I can do for others, those I know and strangers who come into my orbit, is to focus on making sure that I am so full of joy, love, clarity, serenity, and connection that I can’t help but exude it.  That way they’ll pick up what I’m putting down and continue to seek it for themselves.
 
Nosy Nancy, Voyeur Vivian, & Loving Lucy
I used to have a friend, let’s call her Nosy Nancy, that always got into everybody’s business and wanted to make sure they had all the juiciest gossip.  Not only that, but they were always bursting at the seams to share what they knew.  Listening to that friend repeat gossip, often about people I didn’t know, was exhausting.  It will come as no surprise that eventually that habit bit them in the ass repeatedly and sadly now they’re the ones whose life is in tumult and “gossip worthy”.  And I think we all have that one friend, let’s call her Voyeur Vivian, who lives for the latest tea on social media or devours reality tv and knows the folks on the Bravo channel better at times than their own friends.  Avariciously feasting upon the drama that the housewives ooze in every episode.  Which, don’t get me twisted, I can kinda understand because wow are those people riding fast and furious on the hot mess express.  But have you ever noticed that friend also has a lot of unresolved and repetitious drama in their own life that doesn’t really get dealt with?

Then there’s that person in your life we’ll call Loving Lucy, in fact it’s likely you have more than one and it could be you, that is nosy because they truly worry about the person they’re focused on.  And here I have to raise my hand, because I will pick apart a friend’s life and wonder at the fact that they are making this bad decision, and that poor choice, because don’t they see that’s what’s making them unhappy!?  I want them to thrive and love their life not go through struggles!  I’ve been through something similar I have advice that can help!  Then, there are some of us that level it up and deliver unsolicited brutal honesty.  It may help, it may not, but regardless it won’t endear us to our friends.  And what’s the backlash for this type of person, well typically there’s some unresolved shit we aren’t dealing with.  An area of our life that could definitely use some tending and nurturing that’s being neglected.
 
So What’s the Story Morning Glory?
So, what can we do?  Well… tend to our own damn gardens!  If we’re so busy watching other people’s gardens the weeds will completely take over our own.  And I don’t know about you, but my goal is to love my life and experience joy every day.  Weeds don’t bring me joy, but bright beautiful blooms do, so I’ll focus on making sure I have more of those.  Ok, enough of the garden metaphor.  I get why it’s so easy to focus on other people, especially in an age that’s turned most of us into straight up voyeurs, and judgy ones at that!  Plus, our problems don’t seem so bad when we’re looking at other people’s drama.  But here’s the thing, at the end of the day we can’t do a single thing about that other person’s problems.  It’s THEIR life, not ours. 

Even when we’re coming from a place of love, we will find ourselves incredibly frustrated when the object of our focus doesn’t make the changes we would love to see them make.  And that frustration can actually build until you burst, costing you friendships OR dig its claws in so you have this underlying discontent with you at all times.  It will skew the way you view that person and respect, camaraderie, even the joy you found in the relationship with that person will start to dissolve.  So, it’s time we start weaving certain things into our being.  Pick a mantra and repeat it until it’s a part of you that you live by.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.  What that person says, does, or even thinks of me is none of my business.  The grass is only greener when I’m not paying attention to my own lawn.  Whatever works for you!  Because even if you love them, how other people live their lives is up to them and is truly none of your business.  Even if somebody pulls you into it.  Yep, even the people who pull a douche move on you, that’s a them problem not a you problem, and is still none of your business.
 
QUICK NOTE FOR MY EASILY TRIGGERED BY OTHER PEEPS
Or
But They Made Me Do It!
Or
Triggered Tammy
You can’t control what happens to you in life, you can only control your reaction to it.  Now let me tell you, with ego in the driver’s seat for most of us we (mostly unconsciously) live life with a victim/victor mentality.  We always want to paint ourselves as one or the other.  So, when other people’s problems, poor behavior, bad life choices, and shitty dispositions affect us, we immediately want to dive into the drama and throw our own metaphorical punches because nobody likes being a victim, and everybody wants to be the victor.  I am speaking as somebody who, for years lived with a defense mechanism of “if you even think about hurting me or my people, I won’t just hurt you back I will annihilate you and have a perfectly rational justification for why I did”.  So, believe me, I understand how easy it is to go from bystander to full on participant.  How simple it is to highlight how what they did was wrong and validate the way you want to react.  How responding instead of reacting isn’t even within the realm of comfortable options when you get thrown a curve ball. And there’s almost always a, “well if they didn’t xyz I wouldn’t abc” kind of statement that gets thrown out there.

BUT we chose to react, or even respond.  We chose to participate.  We could have chosen to walk away, to take a beat to let our temper settle, and to recognize that we don’t want to nurture, we want to lash out, and turn our focus elsewhere until we can proceed with calmer feelings.  We could have recognized that it was a them issue and wasn’t a reflection of us. But we didn’t because we forgot one thing, that the only part of what that person did that’s our business, is how we react.  And if we can train ourselves to remember that everything that comes out of somebody else’s mouth is a reflection of who they are and NOT a reflection of who we are it becomes easier and easier to realize that we don’t need to react.  And this is when we flow back into the main topic of this post.  Nurturing ourselves, tending to ourselves, loving on ourselves, and focusing on our own joy.  Because I promise, when that’s your priority, ignoring the assholes and curveballs in life becomes SO MUCH easier.  Ok back to it!
 
Back to Our Previously Scheduled Programming
So, we’ve covered being a Nosy Nancy, Voyeur Vivian, Loving Lucy, and even a Triggered Tammy.  And what do all of these scenarios have in common?  When we fall into those roles, we aren’t paying attention to us.  Since us is all we get to control, we need to re-program ourselves to make us our priority.  This is where I can’t stress loudly enough, FOCUSING ON YOURSELF ISN’T SELFISH! For my people out there who were conditioned to think that the opposite of that is true, I need you to really pay attention to this part.  We are vibrational beings, (and for all my peeps who think that’s a really woo-woo thing to say I hate to break it to you but it’s actually scientifically proven), and as such it’s up to us to pay attention to the frequency we are vibrating at.  Are we vibrating at a high frequency in line with joy, love, serenity, etc.  Or are we vibrating at a low frequency and in line with drama, anger, depression, hate, etc.  We want to figure this out because that will influence not only what we’re attracting, but also what we’re putting out there.  And what we put out there has an impact on the people in our lives.

For example, think of that Oscar the Grouch or Eeyore friend you have.  You know the one who is always angry, or gloomy, and 80% of what comes out of their mouth is negative in some fashion.  It’s hard to be around them right?  You feel drained after spending too much time in their company.  Or think about the last time you ran into somebody and you could tell that something was wrong.  It made you feel a little off.  Not because they told you but because you felt it.  And when you asked what was wrong they told you that they just got in a fight. Even worse when you spend too much time around either type of person your mood starts lowering.  Now think of when you hear a baby laughing, or you see two people hugging with smiles on their faces, or a friend gets good news.  You feel happier, lighter, and better don’t you?  In any of those scenarios you’re feeling the frequency that person is vibrating at, it has an effect on you.  Which means that the opposite is true too, your frequency effects others.
 
Yeah, and?
So if we know that our words can’t change anybody else’s behavior, situation, problems, etc.  And we know that the frequency we vibe at can in fact have an impact.  Doesn’t it make sense that our attention and focus should be on ourselves?  Wouldn’t it be a wiser use of our energy and time if we focused on making sure our ripple was a positive one?  And if we want to go back to our garden metaphor from before…which why give up on it now… couldn’t planting our garden and nurturing it so that it attracted pollinators that would then go forth an pollinate other gardens be one of the best uses of our time and energy? 

And here’s another kicker for ya, when you set a positive example, you inspire others to take similar action.  I mean, have you ever wanted to copy an unhappy miserable person or an angry hateful person?  I personally never have.  Aren’t you instead drawn to the happy, the beautiful, the successful, the serene, the confident, the motivated, the accomplished, the glow ups, and the triumphant? So, it would seem that taking our attention off of others and putting it on ourselves just might be the very best thing we could do for ourselves AND for others in multiple ways.
 
“Gardening adds Years to your Life and Life to your Years”
I apologized to my friend the other morning.  I apologized for letting myself get so worried about them that I allowed myself to forget that it’s not my life they’re living, it’s theirs.  I apologized for forgetting that the path I walk is not the path they’re meant to walk on.  I apologized for forgetting that they have to catch themselves when they stumble, otherwise they’ll never learn how to stay steady.  I apologized for thinking that I knew best what their life decisions should look like when I’m not them and they aren’t me.  I apologized for trying to offer guidance when it wasn’t asked for and they were not ready for it.  I apologized for getting wrapped up in their business when I was better off tending to my own.  I reminded them that I would be there to support them and that I’d continue to work on myself so I could be the best support they could have, when THEY were ready for it. 

And I think it felt good for both of us.  I walked away from that interaction and remembered that divine timing doesn’t look the same for everybody.  And that lessons learned by experience have far more impact than those that are understood in concept.  I remembered that the best thing I could do for my friend was work on myself so that my ripple and frequency continue to buoy others up and that the example I set is that of a gardener tending diligently to their own garden.  (Did you really think I was going to let that metaphor go at the end of it all?).  So now I’ll go back to getting all up in my own business, do all the high vibing things I can do, and focusing on ME.  I might need reminding here and there, but I will say the moment I decided to let go of nosing into other people’s drama my heart felt happy and that particular bloom is one I will happily nurture. 

Ignoring the Elephant in the Room
Ever since I decided to change my life and begin my own business, I made the conscious decision to not focus on the anxiety symptoms I experience.  I knew that everything that I had learned, compiled, and decided to put all in one place could serve anybody who felt like they were ready to start loving their life instead of surviving it.  I’ve never shied away from talking about the fact that I lived with (suffered from? survived? experienced? insert your preferred phrase here) anxiety.  But I refused to make it the star of the show because I refused to let it define me.  I refused to let it keep me from living a complete and fulfilling life.  Refused to let it keep me from loving my life.  And I stand by that decision, it’s served me well.

However, I’ve been thinking it might be time to change that.  I think it’s time to start talking about what it’s like to not only live with it, but to have completely changed my life while living with it. Getting to where I’ve gotten is something to celebrate.  But doing that while anxiety has still been a part of my daily life… now that’s something to be really proud of.  And I think it’s time that everybody else who lives their life with anxiety learns that they too can love their life.  They too can have a life that brings them joy.  They too can refuse to be defined by anxiety.  I am here for everybody who is sick of surviving life and is ready to love it.  But I am especially determined that all my fellow anxiety sufferers out there learn that a joyful life is a possibility for them too. 
 
Anxiety Exists On A Spectrum
So, let’s be honest, anxiety is a pretty broad term that’s used in an all-encompassing kind of way. When in actuality, there’s a pretty damn diverse spectrum of what anxiety actually looks like.  For those who are debilitated by it, hearing somebody who’s actually just stressed about one thing in particular call what they’re experiencing anxiety…well it can be really frustrating.  And for those who only experience anxiety in one facet of their life, being told it’s not anxiety is diminishing.  For some of us it means we can’t drive, we can’t go grocery shopping, we can’t travel, and leaving the house can feel like a herculean task.  Some people can’t leave the house at all.  Other’s (and man do I have my moments of envy) are so determined, that they’re higher functioning and they don’t let it stop them from getting out there and living life.  Do they suffer milder symptoms than those who can’t do that?  I don’t know.  But I’ve heard plenty of people in that camp say they hate doing stuff like that, but their brain wins over their body.  If anxiety is just a fucked-up flight or fight response, does that mean their fight response is stronger than those of us who can’t bring ourselves to do something? 

I’m honestly not sure, nor do I think it really matters to me right now.  Because for anybody who has experienced anxiety symptoms for an extended amount of time, beating ourselves up for the symptoms we experience, and for not “doing better”, does not serve us.  In fact, that kind of thinking is what led me to become so depressed I was ready to take my own life.  It started with thoughts like, “what is wrong with me?  I know I’m ok but my body never seems to get the message”.  Those thoughts lead to the “I’m a burden to my friends and family” thoughts, and the “if I didn’t have anxiety then I could be happy/get my dream job/travel/find my person” thoughts, and eventually the “what’s the point of being alive if I can’t even really live my life” thoughts.  I’m pretty sure there’s nobody quite as cruel to themselves as those who suffer from anxiety.  (Because at that stage… yeah it’s not “living with”, it’s “suffering from”.)  We stop ourselves from living our lives while we suffer.  And a few years ago, that’s exactly where I was at.  I defined myself, and my future, by anxiety…and I was miserable.
 
There IS More to Life
If you live, or have ever lived, life with anxiety you have ultimately said to yourself “there’s gotta be more to life than this”.  Some people know there is and fight the fear (but can’t quite surpass it completely), some people give up trying to find the answer and succumb to it, and others try to escape it.  (And as one of those who has tried in the past to escape it, let me tell you that it’s impossible.  Sex, drugs, alcohol, social media, shopping, insert vice/escape mechanism here…they don’t work.)  Because eventually, in all those scenarios, you’re faced with the reality that it’s still there.  And you’re stuck wondering if there is more to life than anxiety?  And if so, how are you supposed to go about finding it?  How are you supposed to live a life that brings you joy?  Is it even possible?

Now, I once had a therapist once who told me I’d never be rid of it.  But I didn’t then, and still don’t now, believe her.  Because I lived life without anxiety for a long time, so I know it’s possible.  And deep inside I absolutely think I will get there again one day.  But right now, well right now it’s still a part of my life, as it is for so many people.  I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist and that it doesn’t have an impact on my life.  And yet, I live a life that feels full, brings me joy, and is a life I love living.  I don’t allow anxiety to rule me, to be my focus, or to have an impact on the decisions I make regarding my dreams and visions for the future.  So yes, there is more to life than anxiety.  You can live a joyful life while still experiencing anxiety symptoms.  I’m proof that it’s possible. 
 
It Is Time
So perhaps this is why I lost all those business files this year.  Because I was hiding away a part of me that is very much a part of me for the moment.  And how dare I do that?  Because there are people out there who need to know that it is possible to love your life even if anxiety is riding shotgun.  Who am I to gatekeep?  I mean, yeah, I didn’t mean to…but still.  What if there’s somebody out there suffering from anxiety that saw my course and thought, “Oh…that’s not for me.  I can’t do that right now, maybe once I figure out how to get rid of anxiety”.  And they missed a golden opportunity to start loving their life instead of surviving it!  Now I think it’s time to get loud.  There are so many of us out there and we deserve to know that living a life we love is possible, right now, even if we’re not where we wished we would be by now.

I, for one, refuse to get to the end of my life and think, “oh wow…I could have done so much more if I hadn’t been stuck waiting for anxiety to disappear”.  Sure, my course will be so helpful for anybody wanting to stop surviving and start thriving, but it will be monumentally helpful for everybody who thinks that anxiety is keeping them from even having a hope of doing so.  So, I’m going to start talking about it.  I’m going to start sharing what helps and what doesn’t.  I’m going to start sharing what I’ve seen work.  Because it’s about time that I embrace ALL the parts of me, even anxiety.

​Well as I write this it’s been a little over a week since I found out that my computer erased my business folder on my computer.  Meaning the entirety of the course that I’ve spent 6 months, actually probably closer to 8 months now, working on.  There’s nothing left of it.  And while I want to bemoan all of those hours as wasted, I know deep down that they aren’t truly wasted.  But I’ll be honest, I spent the first few days after I found out in a weird place.  I grieved…and anybody who tells you that you only experience grief after the loss of a person, and a close one at that, is a liar.  A loss is a loss, and that was most definitely a loss for me.  The first hour I ugly cried.  Then it was tears in fits and starts.  That was followed by a mix of despair and imposter syndrome and my ego saying the most untrue, unkind things.  Needless to say, it’s been a rough week.  But, I’ve learned a few things and I feel like now and here is the perfect time and place to share them.
 
Number one thing I’ve learned…  Backup your backups and in numerous places.  My God have we become dependent on technology!!  Dangerously so.  So maybe that’s one of the things that I learned…technology can be a friend but let’s not depend on it.  And make sure to use it smartly.  Lord knows I will never leave anything without a backup again.  Somebody on TikTok said she was told if it doesn’t exist in 3 places, it doesn’t exist.  I will live by that.  I will also get back into writing with old fashioned pencil and paper.  They never let you down.  I can start there then play around with it online.  And yes, I know that one was obvious but it’s still a lesson learned.
 
Next thing, I am capable of handling upsetting surprises in life with strength and grace.  Seriously, I’m proud of the way I handled that.  Don’t get me twisted…I ugly cried hard.  I’d have moments where I got upset all over again.  I had doubts and questions and felt defeated.  I had the urge to run into the comforting arms of alcohol or cigarettes or ice cream or a steak or self-pity.  But I never once turned to any of those.  Now part of that was because I was on a 7-day cleanse to reset my hormones, but I could have started that over again.  I saw those escape mechanisms, and my desire to turn to them for comfort, as pointless and empty as they are.  I have spent the past few years cultivating an internal source of happiness and comfort, so I knew that those things weren’t what was going to make me feel better.  I also knew that escape wasn’t what I needed but that sitting with the pain was the key to moving past it. 
 
And speaking of cultivating my inner source of happiness…I learned through this crisis just what an amazing job I’ve done at that.  I listened to my heart instead of ego’s whispers…and ego was whispering really loud and ugly things.  I loved on myself and gave myself permission to follow my joy and table the heavy stuff until it felt good to sit with it and work through it.  I prioritized self-care and nourishing myself mind, body, and soul.  I made my health, both mental and physical, a priority.  I made sure to get super observant so I could recognize the negative self-talk and doubts for what they were.  I looked for the beauty in the world and my life because it’s always there and a much better comfort than anything I’d turn to in the past.  And yes, I had my low moments because I’m human, but my joy never left me.  I’m so proud of that.
 
One of the most important things I learned is that I believe in what I created, I think it’s so important to share with the world because people need that knowledge and that perspective and that hope.  I had moments where I wondered if I could or should try again.  If this was the universe telling me to give up but I don’t believe that at all.  Quite the opposite.  I believe more firmly in what I have to share with the world and maybe that’s why this all happened.  I can’t replicate what I did before but I sure as hell can offer something up that might be even better.  People deserve to love their lives, even if they aren’t where they want to be, think they should be, thought they would be.  They deserve to have joy be a part of their lives each and every day.  And if I can help them find that, to find their ability to give themselves that, by sharing what I’ve learned along the way during my journey then I am going to do just that.  I’ve seen my experiences and my perspectives help people already and I’m ready to do that on a bigger scale.  So yes, I will make a version 2, and I believe with all my heart and soul that it needs to be out there.
 
The universe will give you what you need and while this was a very upsetting way to give me what I need I don’t doubt that I needed it.  I think having to create this course all over again will get me to a place where I’m incredibly familiar and comfortable with what I’m sharing.  It will cement that knowledge in me so that I can share it more effectively.  And that to me seems like a pretty good antidote to imposter syndrome, and I was flirting with it, so …maybe that’s one of the why’s for me.  I also know that there is a reason this happened, and I may not know what it is, but I know that this happened for a reason.  I truly hope I get to that moment where I get to say oh shit!  This is why that happened!  I’m not there yet, but I do know that this serves me in ways I just can’t see right now.
 
The last big thing I learned from this is that I need to let go of the self-imposed deadlines and timing parameters that I felt needed to happen.  Divine timing is the right timing, my idea of timing is complete and utter bullshit.  It’ll happen when it’s right, not when I want it to.  And I think I finally get that.  I’m finally ready to accept that.  And while I see this as a delay, what if this is actually speeding something way more important up?  I’m going to start letting everything unfold in the timing it’s supposed to.  And that means creating version 2 as well!  If it doesn’t feel right to work on it, I won’t.  I will 100% check in with myself and make sure I’m not avoiding, but I won’t put any pressure on myself to get things done in a certain time frame.  The universe knows when it all should be happening, so I’ll trust it to keep me on schedule.
 
So yeah. I learned that I’m a badass chick.  I have friends, family, and a killer coach (BIG shoutout to Jenesis) who love and support me.  It put other things in perspective too, I know what I want to give fucks about and what I don’t.  I know what my priorities are.  But I also know how strong I am, how much I’ve grown, how capable and adaptable I am.  I can find positive in the seemingly negative.  And, again thank you Jenesis, I’m allowed to grieve AND know in my heart that all is well.  Who knows, maybe I needed to take myself back to the beginning so I could do it all right and in a way that feels truly organic to me.  Even just typing that feels good so I’m going to have to guess that that is definitely a fact.  So, let’s see what happens, I think this could actually be really fun.

It's Happening A Lot Recently 
I’ve seen this phenomenon that happens right before a person is ready to level up.  They’ve implemented a few changes here and there and it feels good to have grown, it feels good to be making choices and changes that serve them mind, body, and soul.  So now they’re ready to take it to the next level and make some perspective shifts, some paradigm shifts, but Ego freaks out.  It’s an unknown path, there’s none of the comfort of familiarity, and the identity they, and therefor Ego, has clung to for so long is now threatened.  Ego doesn’t like that!

Ego doesn’t care if the changes ahead, in mindset, thought, action, and/or deed, are positive.  Instead, it’s as if Ego experiences sheer terror that suddenly manifests in the person seeming a bit…for lack of a better word…manic.  When they hit this manic mode they make choices that are questionable, they act out, they freak out, they break down, they indulge in behavior they don’t even like while they’re doing it, and the list goes on.  So there they are, stuck in this weird limbo between wanting to change and rebelling against the change.  Simultaneously trying to run right back into the comforting arms of life as they’ve known it (except when they do it somehow just doesn’t feel as good as it once did) and aggressively chasing a future version of themselves they’re ready to become right now.  Sounds exhausting right? 
 
How’s This Different Than Before?
Being in the middle of that is not only exhausting but it can also be defeating, scary, and debilitating.  I’ve been there, I’ve seen it in people around me both personally and professionally, and I see it in people across social media as well.  It can feel like you’re losing your mind, like you’ve been possessed, and like you’re downright out of control.  But there’s something about this manic mode that is actually pretty wonderful, though you can’t always see it when you’re living it.  This is usually the point that is the catalyst for finally changing your life for the better.  For finally becoming the person you’ve been meant to become.  (Yes, I said usually.  That’s because for some of us it takes a few rounds of this before we finally say enough is enough.)

So what makes this different than other times you’ve hit lows in your life?  Well, remember when I said manic mode kicks in after a person has seen successful results from implementing changes?  That’s the indicator that somewhere along the line you either consciously or subconsciously decided it’s time to change.  You’ve changed direction and are now firmly facing the path of living a better life, even if you haven’t fully started down it quite yet.  You went from wanting change to being ready for change.  And believe me, there’s a difference between the two.  It’s I should or I want to versus I am, I can, and I will.  It’s thinking about doing it versus actually doing it.  You feel me yet?
 
So Close I Can Taste It
In the past you’d spiral and unravel, then regret.   Maybe you tried something and failed, maybe you almost tried something but didn’t.  You didn’t question why it didn’t work, you just judged yourself for failing…again.  And in true vicious circle fashion, disappointment, blame, and judgement led you to indulge in behaviors, thoughts, and activities that didn’t serve you, which made you feel even worse…wash, rinse, and repeat ad nauseum.  And through all of that you may have wanted to change, but you never quite hit the point of, ok enough is enough I AM changing.  Until at some point you did and that’s why manic mode is hitting different than all of your previous lows.

This time, to put it simply, you’re aware it’s happening because you’re not the you that you were before that shift.  Your silent witness is watching it all happen and you’re aware of it.  And even more importantly, so is the authentic you. That heart based you is aware of this all and is saying, “You deserve so much better than to feel the way you’re feeling”.  The only part of you that previously was aware of what you’re doing when you were hitting a low or engaged in anything that didn’t serve you, was only aware enough to heap on the self-judgement and self-loathing and blame.  Now you’re seeing it and clocking it as an area with room for improvement.
 
So What’s a Person To Do?
Ok, so now we know why manic mode is different than your previous lows.  How do we handle it?  We take that readiness and intention for change, that shift from wanting to doing, and we solidify it.  We make it real and lock that shift into place.  Think of this as your enough is enough moment.  It’s your WTF am I doing moment.  It’s your I refuse to keep doing this moment.  It’s your there’s got to be more to life than this moment.  If you’re where I was it could even be your, I either end it all or drastically change my life, and I’m not giving up, so change it is moment.  Recognize it and own it.  When manic mode hits you know you’re not at your best, you’re aware of it so allow yourself to use it as a power for good and not evil.

I can’t even begin to count how many times I, and many others, hit a wonky phase and said well I’m not doing so hot so I’m going to lean into it.  Or even better, let me use my escape mechanism du jour and try to avoid it altogether.  It never works.  You can’t run fast or far or for long enough to escape your issues.  But you can look at your rough patch and say, “Ok, this is where I’m at right now and I don’t love it, let’s put you to use, how can you serve me?” and then get inquisitive.  This is an opportunity to uncover needs that aren’t being met, or to define what kind of a life you want and what kind of a person you want to be.  It’s an opportunity to recognize habitual behaviors, thoughts, and actions that don’t serve you.  Step one, recognize you’re in manic mode.  Step two, use it.  Step three, get excited about the unknown and the infinite possibilities that are ahead of you with a new mindset.  Step four, level the fuck up!!!  You deserve it and it feels so good!
 
Be a Beautiful Flower
The moment you say I can’t take it anymore and/or I don’t want to do this anymore you’re suddenly free.  Free to become the person you truly are underneath years of conditioning and negative self-talk.  You’re free to become your authentic self, and that’s such a beautiful and amazing experience.  And hitting manic mode…it can be the catalyst to get you there!  Allow it to be a defining and empowering part of your journey!  You can take the icky and make it magnificent.  Who says we have to be brought low by our less than perfect moments?  Who says we have to be derailed by the bullshit?  I mean think of it, some of the most beautiful flowers grow, not in spite of but because of, bullshit. (What do you think fertilizer is?) 
 
So, allow your manic moment to be your fertilizer and become a beautiful flower my friend.  There’s no better time than now, especially if you're in the midst of manic mode.  Definitely if Ego is freaking out on you and you're finding yourself doing things a past version of you was fine with but don't feel so great to who you are now.  And if you don’t know how to recognize Ego, let alone get it to back off, reach out.  I would be honored to help you.  There’s no law that says you have to do it alone!

That’s Not Me Anymore
I went through a bumpy couple of weeks.  I didn't worry about it at first, thinking it was just a bit of a funk that would pass.  As a woman I generally go straight to blaming moods on hormones and know it's temporary.  I wasn't sad or angry, there was nothing wrong per se, I just felt a little off center.  Then I caught myself engaging in behaviors and actions that weren't serving me.  But it was a subtle catch, not a concrete sign that maybe I should pay attention.  Until I woke up one morning and the thoughts, feelings, and self-talk I was experiencing were straight out of an old version of me, one that I know myself not to be anymore. And I realized it was time to do something about it.
 
I knew that when I first decided to change my life it started with a soul-deep choice, so perhaps that was what was needed here.  It was time to make another choice that began deep within me and resonated to every part of the universe.  The kind of choice there's no going back from.  So, I chose myself.  I chose to make myself, my mental health, my well-being, my connection to the universe, my ability to lead with love and follow my joy a priority.  I will never again be that person who falls into a pit of despair thinking they are worthless and a drain on their loved ones.  I will never again allow myself to drift along lost and alone aimlessly surviving life.  Because I know that, I chose to recommit to myself and the effects were instantaneous.
 
Habitual Energies R Us
To be fair, I don't think I could become that past version of myself again if I wanted to.  The changes I've made to myself have altered the fabric of who I am on a fundamental level.  The authentic me has seen the light and won't be shoved away under heaps of self-pity, self-loathing, anger, resentment and fear to let ego take the lead again.  But what was surprising to me was that clearly there are still some habitual energies lingering.  Ruts that ego carved into me so deeply that it wasn't hard to fall back into them again.  And I think that's an invaluable thing to discover because now that I know they’re still there I'll be aware.  
 
Habitual energies can, and do, rear their ugly head sometimes.  They're old patterns of thought, old behaviors, old defense mechanisms, that we at one point held tightly to us.  Comforting in their familiarity, protecting us from being hurt by others, regardless of the fact that they don't serve us and actually cause us to do more harm to ourselves than anybody else ever could.  Seeds of pessimism and negativity that we never realized we nurtured and grew.  Pity parties, sob stories, placing blame externally, victim/victor mentality monologs, our focus staunchly on the problem, on what's wrong, on what we don't like or want and never on the solution. Oh, I remember those days, I was so entrenched in them and talking to myself so ruthlessly that I was ready to end it all.  So, to experience anything like that when you feel like you've healed it all...it can be jarring.  But it DOES NOT have to derail you.
 
Out Damn Spots
So how do you keep it from derailing you? First things first, you recognize it.  Easy enough when it's obvious and your actions, thoughts, and self-talk are making you feel bad.  But what about if it's subtle?  Personally, I won't take a funk, or just feeling a little off, lightly anymore without doing an internal scan to see if old thought and behavior patterns aren't bubbling up.  Because, as I learned the other week, it can start off so subtly you don't recognize it.  Just not feeling quite right, not being as excited by where you’re at and where you’re going, or maybe something unexpected happens that you handled ok in the moment but still don't feel recovered from.  Check in with yourself.  I promise it's worth it.  Catching it early before it can snowball makes it so much easier to deal with.
 
Second, please forgive yourself and leave the negative self-judgment aside.  You are human, you are healing, you’re undoing conditioning that it took you how many years to accumulate?  Shit happens my friend, and we are not perfect and that's ok.  Because you can use this to shine a light in areas where you have room to grow, learn, change and improve. Which leads me to step three... celebrate that the contrast between this experience and your high vibing set point gives you the gift of clarity, it helps define your direction and focus.  It allows you to clearly see what you do want.  It provides motivation to be solution focused, to let a joyful life lead your actions and thoughts.  That contrast… well without it would the joy be as sweet? Spoiler Alert, nope it really wouldn't. 
 
Last but Definitely not Least
Use it, make it serve you!!!  Use it to light a fire under your ass that gets you back on track, back on the right path.  Nobody enjoys feeling upset in any form.  So acknowledge it, and thank it for showing you that you have a little work to do.  It showed you that it's time to stop yourself from watering those seeds of negativity and start watering and feeding the seeds that bring you joy, clarity, contentment, serenity, laughter, and love. Let it steer you back to the things that build you up, that allow you to flow through life with grace and ease, that bring you joy, and that nurture your relationship with yourself.
 
The first thing I did was dive right back into my morning practice with a vengeance.  I had slacked off and obviously that wasn't working.  If I include nothing else in said practice, I absolutely meditate and journal.  The meditation clears and quiets my mind, allowing me to be open to divine guidance and wisdom.  I show myself that I am worthy of starting my day making myself and my well-being a priority. The journaling allows me to get everything out, good or bad.  Sometimes just the act of doing that will pinpoint an area where ego leads or how a habitual energy is creeping back up or shows me a habit or behavior or other positive seed that I want to nurture and encourage growth in.  It also allows me to write to the point where solutions and inspiration present themselves and clarity is mine for the taking.  They are tools in my well-being toolbox that never fail me.
 
So What I’m Saying Is…
Now, I encourage you to utilize those two tools in your day, but if you have different tools that work better for you...DO THOSE!!!  And be consistent in the use of them.  The key is to stay in touch with yourself and try not stray too far off center. That way, should something happen that does knock you off center (it absolutely will because we are human and this is life) then at least you can effortlessly swing yourself right back.  Bonus points if you are able to see how much getting knocked off track actually did benefit you!  And don't forget you don't have to do it alone.  I'm here and I'm happy to help.  Whether it's one in one coaching, my free 10 minute Mini-MasterClass, or even just small snippets of motivation and support on IG or TT.  Plus, before you know it, my online transformational course that is chock full of tools and support will be here.  You got this my friend, and I got you!